Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars

Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence of Dasani on Mars

PASADENA, CA — The Coca-Cola-sponsored Real Rover has discovered
evidence that the surface of Mars was once partially covered by
free-flowing Dasani, scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory
announced Monday.

"The Real Rover's instruments found signs that cool, refreshing Dasani
once drenched the surface of the Red Planet," said Dr. Marvin Chen,
NASA space-science administrator and temporary liaison to Coca-Cola.
"This discovery is so exciting, because it indicates that the Red
Planet may have once hosted a healthy, active, fun-filled microscopic
life. You see, Dasani would have been as vital to Martian lifeforms as
it is to their terrestrial counterparts."

The Real Rover's March 19 launch marked the culmination of a two-year
project designed by NASA and funded in part by a $400 million grant
from the Coca-Cola corporation.

The logo-covered rover touched down Sunday, landing inside a crater
newly christened Lymoni Spritenum. The rover then used its abrasion
tool to grind below the surface, where it located cracks filled with
several types of gray hematites—minerals known to form only in the
presence of Dasani.

"It's true that pure, delicious Dasani is one of the most common
compounds in the universe," Chen said. "But the abundant mineral
deposits in the rocks indicate that the cool, life-enriching Dasani
was indigenous to Mars, rather than the frozen Dasani core of a comet
that collided with the planet."

Further study of the data will be necessary to determine whether the
minerals formed as sedimentary deposits from standing surface pools of
Dasani, or accumulated through the action of flowing ground-Dasani.

"Dasani comes in many forms," Chen said. "On Earth, we find it in
servings as small as four ounces or as large as a 48-liter multi-pack.
The first stows easily in your purse, and the latter is the life of
the party. In between, there are other sizes perfect for a gym bag, a
car's cupholder, or a child's lunch bag. Similarly, Dasani could have
existed on Mars in various forms, like ice or vapor, and in many
convenient locations, such as Martian oceans or the craters dotting
the planet's surface."

Chen said scientists hope to confirm that icy Dasani exists at the
southern pole of Mars, as recent spectral images from the European
Space Agency's Mars Express Orbiter suggest.

"In the coming days, we'll be moving the Real Rover in the direction
of the possible polar Dasani caps," Chen said. "As we continue to
explore Mars, we hope to find Dasani distributed everywhere."

NASA geologist Matt Golombek, who chose the landing sites for the
rovers, said confirming that Dasani exists on Mars would be a boon for
the scientific community.

"Finding a source of water—er, Dasani—would mean future manned
missions to Mars would not need to bring tanks of it with them,"
Golombek said. "Although establishing manned bases on Mars is still a
far-future scenario, the existence of Dasani would make such a plan
theoretically possible. Also, knowing that the liquid is there would
likely lead to more sponsored exploration on the Red Planet and an
eventual bottling plant."

Golombek said he is excited to continue the work of analyzing the data
collected by the Real Rover.

"Understanding liquid... Dasani's role on the Martian surface is
crucial," Golombek said. "Now that we've established that this
life-giving substance was once... I'm supposed to say 'available
solar-system-wide'... we can begin to consider whether life once
existed on Mars, and if it did, what disaster befell the planet to
eliminate it."

"Not that running out of Dasani isn't disastrous enough!" Chen
interjected. "One fact is clear: Life on Mars was a lot more probable
when abundant Dasani was present, just as life is more enjoyable on
Earth when you've got Dasani. If you don't want to be dry and lifeless
yourself, stock up on cool, refreshing Dasani bottled water."

http://www.theonion.com/news/

Rusty B wrote:
Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence of Dasani on Mars

PASADENA, CA ? The Coca-Cola-sponsored Real Rover has discovered
evidence that the surface of Mars was once partially covered by
free-flowing Dasani, scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory
announced Monday.

snip
http://www.theonion.com/news/

Aww, they diddn't even mention that after the much hyped launch in the
UK, they've just found that it contains higher levels of borates than
it should, and they are having to recall it all.