Good news and bad about Mars rover...

Dateline - Washington The NASA chief held a press conference
today to talk about the good news and the bad news surrounding the Mars
rover, as well as to clear up any public misunderstandings about what has
happened. The good news is that the rover is now communicating with NASA.
The bad news is that after a minor software anomaly the rover had apparently
dialed a 1-900 number in Zimbabwe. NASA is expected to contest the
approximately 142 million dollar phone bill, but uncertainty may cloud the
NASA budget picture. Ultimately, however, most NASA employees agreed that
this was overall good news. "Imagine our relief," said one top NASA
scientist, "to realize that Mars wasn't really filled with half naked
men performing unmentionable sex acts with ferrets."
In a perhaps related story, NASA officials refused to comment on the
arrest of senior NASA software engineer Eugene Esandem. NASA security
confiscated whips, chains, and other programming aids from his cubicle this
morning. "He was a really private person," said coworker Ima Nieve, "every
time I walked up he would blank out his computer screen and look really
nervous."
In other good news, Attorney General John Ashcroft has ordered
federal agents to seize the Mars rover. "We will not tolerate such disgusting
filth being transmitted into our fair nation by anyone, not even NASA,"
said Ashcroft this morning. "Our new policy of pre-emption and
extraterritoriality, cleared by my pal on the Supreme Court, allows me to
enforce puritanism even on Mars! We will confiscate and destroy the
equipment responsible." This is good news because it will justify the
transfer of 70% of the Justice Department budget to NASA, since the FBI
will need to use NASA space launch services in order to go to Mars and
seize the rover.

In addition, the President defended his Mars science policy
from criticism by stating "Our nations top intelligence officials were of
the opinion that there was water on Mars. Even the Clinton administration
believed that there was water on Mars. Our friends, the British, believed
that there was water on Mars. If the Martians had no water, then they
needed to prove it to us. But we received no proof of a lack of water on
Mars, and were totally justified in invading...uh...I mean exploring."
Secretary of State Powell, later in the day, related that he had doubts
that water would ever be found, even while the White House appointed yet
another scientist to lead the search for Martian water...

regards,
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