Apollo 18 is GO!

Hogwarts, Washington, 19 September 2005.

Some thirty three years after the Apollo 17 returned from the moon,
NASA have finally given the green light to Apollo 18. It is expected
that Apollo 18 will land on the moon in 2018, thereby continuing
NASA's fine tradition of delay.

NASA Chief Administrator Mike Gryffindor recognised that times has
changed, and there will therefore be some minor changes to the Apollo
architecture. Asked why the new architecture will land four astronauts
for seven days, compared to the two astronauts for three days achieved
by the last Apollo landing, Gryffindor replied: "External consultants
were brought in to measure NASA productivity. We identified that since
1972, productivity levels in NASA have fallen by 75%. To compensate
Apollo 18 will provide four times as many crew hours on the lunar
surface as Apollo 17."

Another key change from Apollo 17 will be the use of new launchers.
Since 1972, NASA has mislaid the Saturn 5 rocket - apparently it was
used as a garden ornament - and therefore needs to develop new
launcher. Whereas Apollo 17 managed with one launcher, in order to
increase the amount of development work, Apollo 18 will require two,
different launchers. This was explained as way to increase the supply
of pork to ensure the pigs can fly.

With Apollo 17 one remained orbiting the moon. Apollo 18 will land all
crew on the moon, leaving no one to orbit. This was explained by
changing Health and Safety legislation, which makes it illegal to leave
a single worker on his own for a whole week. However, it will also
prevent squabbles over which crewmember has to stay behind.

The new Apollo capsule will be some three times larger than the
previous capsule, despite carrying one-third more crew. NASA's
Diversity Management Bureau in Houston issued a clarification for this:
"With changing times, NASA astronauts have got bigger, and therefore
we need a bigger capsule. Without this increase in capsule size, we
would not be able to accommodate a diverse and representative range of
astronauts. Furthermore, there would have been is a risk that evil
commercial operators could have launched the capsule."

Responding to the charge that the new Apollo architecture would not
help with the commercialisation of Space, Administrator Gryffindor
rejected this charge: "Even as we speak, NASA is preparing to seek
bids from Nike and Adidas to sponsor the Apollo 18 footprints. We are
also talking to Microsoft about putting their flag on the moon instead
of the Stars and Stripes". Microsoft however denied plans to put its
operating system flag on the moon. A spokesman said "We are not sure
that Vista will be ready in time for Apollo 18".

Microsoft is however hoping to supply the software to run the new
Apollo 18 capsule. NASA was stung by suggestions in 2001 that the Saab
9-5 had more computing power than Apollo 11 took to the moon. In order
to prevent this accusation being repeated, NASA is resolved to ensure
that the new capsule will have the most powerful computers available.
This will enable the astronauts to play interactive games in their
spare time, as well as managing the more trivial task of landing and
operating the various systems on the moon.

NASA is also looking at additional uses of the new Apollo capsule. One
such use could be to transport up to six crew, with an average weight
of 150kg, to the International Space Station. Gryffindor described the
new capsule as "Soyuz on Viagra", and announced that Pfizer should
be sponsoring the whole system.

So where will this leave NASA? Assuming no delays and no change in the
leadership of the USA, by 2021, NASA should have completed Apollo
missions 18, 19 and 20. At that point, public interest might be
satisfied. Beyond that NASA is talking about using the Apollo 18
hardware to create a Space Laboratory, called Skylab B. Some
visionaries are even talking about creating a reusable Space
Transportation System, which would reduce the cost to orbit to just
1,000 Roubles per kilo, and possibly enable missions to Mars and
Sirius.

Time will tell. In the meantime, as they say at NASA: "To infinity
and beyond!" And that's just the budget requirement.

Next Week: Will the new Moon Program be a hoax like the last one?