NASA Issues new Safety Guidelines

Iwishi Hadabrain
Headquarters, Washington March 22, 2005 (Phone: 123/456-7890)

MEDIA ADVISORY: M03-119

NASA CHANGES SAFETY GUIDELINE FOR VEIWING SHUTTLE LAUNCHES

NASA spokeswoman Iwishi Hadabrain announced today that NASA has complete a
review of the Space Shuttle Launch Viewing Safety Guidelines for the
general public. In the announcement, new guidelines were presented which
NASA feels will insure the safety of all those wishing to view the shuttle
launch safely.

First, it was decided to limit the number of people at KSC to less than
25,000 people. NASA spokeswoman Iwishi Hadabrain said, "Our studies
indicate that 25,000 people is the maximum number of people that we can
allow to travel to KSC at any one time. It's dangerous out there. People
might actually get in their cars and drive long distances to see a Shuttle
Launch. Cars just aren't safe, we wouldn't want to be responsible for
people getting into accidents and possibly killed on their way to watch a
Shuttle Launch."

"Furthermore", Iwishi Hadabrain stated, "People might actually fly to
Florida to see a Shuttle Launch, because of the great distances involved.
They might actually get on an aircraft to do this. You've watched the news
haven't you. Those things fall out of the sky all the time. Can you
imagine the bad press that we at NASA would get, if an airplane full of
Shuttle Launch viewers were to fall out of the sky, killing everyone on
board and possibly someone on the ground. Such a large number of people
all dying, in the same place, at the same time, could mean the end of
NASA, and my cushy job."

Iwishi Hadabrain continued, "These and other concerns were used to
determine the maximum viewers that will be allowed at KSC. The launch
complex at KSC only occupies 25,000 acres. We figured out that if we put
one seat and one person on each of those 25,000 acres, we greatly reduce
the probability of killing more than one person at any one Shuttle Launch,
thus insuring the continuation of my cushy job."

Some additional changes included a new NASA developed spectator safety
suit for children, and NASA developed blindfolds for residents of Cocoa
Beach. Since children viewing the launch will be separated by great
distance from their parents, the new NASA developed "Bubble Wrap Suit"
will reduce injures if they should happen to fall. Iwishi Hadabrain
commented, "Children have been known to fall down, and residents of Cocoa
Beach also. Especially, if they were to accidentally look up and get an
unauthorized view of the Shuttle Launch. We feel that blindfolding all the
residents of Cocoa Beach was the best option to reduce injuries caused by
residents being distracted by the Shuttle Launch and tripping over
things."

When it was pointed out that the last Shuttle Disaster actually occurred
during entry, Iwishi Hadabrain stated, "Ahhh, Yes, Yes, NASA is currently
working on new guidelines for viewing landings, but you must realize this
is a much, much, harder problem. We're just not sure we can come up with a
solution. This Space Stuff is really hard. You have to understand that.
It's just really, really, hard. Harder than you can imagine. We're
considering all kinds of stuff to insure the safety of the general public.
But remember, we here at NASA have the right stuff, we have the rocket
scientists, and damn near all the astronauts in the world working on this
problem. Our current concept that we feel insures the safety of the
general public requires the cooperation of the general population. If
everyone in the country will cooperate, we feel we can safely land in
Florida again with little or no risk to the general public. We'll be
issuing a statement just after the deorbit burn so that everyone in the
nation can climb under their Kitchen Tables. Everyone has a Kitchen Table,
don't they? And for those wishing to watch the landing, we're also urging
that they move their televisions under their Tables too."


http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/space/3098226



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Craig Fink
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