Music Puns

nemo wrote:
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce" wrote in message
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Hugh Brodie wrote:
wrote in message
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Tim Bruening wrote:
E-flat: Online apartment.

C-flat: Another online apartment.

B-flat: Under a piano that fell on a beehive.

Econ: Rich Internet scam artist.

Icon: Another Internet scam artist.

A-flat: Very tyred.

H-flat: Completely lacking any preparation.


C-sharp: 20/20 vision.

B-natural: Come as you are.

B-sharp: you should be. Now go into Haydn because your Bach is worse
than your bite.

I don't Offenbach enough to notice!

Don't tallis any more. I just can't handel it - your jokes are for the
byrds.

wrote in message
ps.com...
nemo wrote:
"Michael Baldwin, Bruce" wrote in message
oups.com...
Hugh Brodie wrote:
wrote in message
ups.com...
Tim Bruening wrote:
E-flat: Online apartment.

C-flat: Another online apartment.

B-flat: Under a piano that fell on a beehive.

Econ: Rich Internet scam artist.

Icon: Another Internet scam artist.

A-flat: Very tyred.

H-flat: Completely lacking any preparation.


C-sharp: 20/20 vision.

B-natural: Come as you are.

B-sharp: you should be. Now go into Haydn because your Bach is worse
than your bite.

I don't Offenbach enough to notice!

Don't tallis any more. I just can't handel it - your jokes are for the
byrds.


right. Right! RIGHT!! . . . Ewe arsed 4 it . . .

I got everything from Aaron Copeland (Keep your 'air on, Copeland!) to Kurt
Weill whose music isn't.

Apart from a sideboard full of 78s, Vinyl, cassettes etc., there's about
40ft shelf length of CDs - AND a bloody good security system to go with
them! ;o) When I think of the cost I do start to feel a bit CD myself!

Even got that composer named after a notorious UK gangster landlord from the
60s and a shot in billiards: Rackman - in-off! There's Mend-all-socks of
course, with his Banana Symphony: Banana, banana - peeeaches and cream . . .
That one! (The Italian)

Got some Joe Green as well - Giuseppi Verdi. Claud Green-Mountain - Claudio
Monteverdi, the first real opera composer - yes folks! It's all his fault!
(No relation to the famous Lion Tamer - Claud Bottom) Then there's the
composer named after small dogs - Poochini!

And there's Purcell, the composer named after a (UK) washing powder. Handel,
made famous by the wind-up gramophone!

And The Master! J.S. Bach.
Him you respect. I can't take the mickey out of him. And the French composer
who had a noisy dog that would Offenbach!

Oh yes. And Domenico Scatlatti, whose music predicted the invention of the
sewing machine! I've got all 514 of his sonatas on a 34 disc set by Scott
Ross. What a feat! Or was it "feet"? - no, he played with his hands like
everybody else.

Then there's the composer who's got a number of thoroughly disreputable
Newsgroups dedicated to him - Suk! And the TV Engineer, Telemann, and the
spice merchant, Vivaldi - with his Four Seasonings!

There's Mahler of course. Classical Klezmer! And at the back there I can see
Scott Joplin. Stop it - you'll go blind I tell you!!

Lots of have a lot of Shostakovich - that's why he's always scratching his
Shostakov! Bartok did make a good musical pun out of part of his Leningrad
Symphony!

From anudder message: Mooooooooooooooo!

Musical motoring . .

Tim Bruening wrote in message
...
Cartoon: A musical automobile


Khartoum: a town where such vehicles were blown to pieces in WW1, for
playing present-day rock music via a time-warp.

Couldn't get the car going coz he'd lost the starting Handel!

Music played in such vehicles: Bizet's Car-men, conducted by Von Car-ian! A
very Bizet conductor indeed! (Not no more. He's died since!)

Vehicle got stolen in Spain while playing stuff by Car-loss Seixtas.

Driver distracted by etherial English music about a metallic ruined castle,
Tin Tagel, and Bax car straight into a wall. Car-tastrophe.

(Amazing what I can come up with looking up and down my 40 odd feet of CDs!
[showing off])

Drove the car off a long jetty white listening to Pier Gynt.

Charles Hubert H. had to Parry blows when the car got attacked by fascists
while listening to music by the Austin Klezmorim!

Had a guard-dog in the car that would Offenbach.

"I had to use de car, because I had missed de bus, see?"

Vehicle got mistaken for a sewing machine while playing sonatas by
S-car-latti!

Car could be powered electrically by Soler panels!

While listening to Diletti Pastorali, the driver polished up the paintwork
to a very nice Schein.

The car ran over the feet of members of the Ensemble Clement Janequin, the
result being Les Cris de Paris!


Enough, already?


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I get Weill out of breath doing composer puns from Walton up and down my
40-odd feet of CD shelves (showing off yet again) looking for inspiration!

Your Barber, Eh? (A) 440Hz?

You should have hit him and said - "Gluck here. I'll Bruckner more crap from
you! You better lay off that Heinichen or you'll have to Bloch another Blow.
And get some regular staff, not these Borodin ones! Now - Arne you going to
cut my hair? Get Bizet and start Chopin. I want a short Bax and sides. And
don't Frobergers about - you're not in MuckDonald's now! - Soler!" - you
might say, Parrying one as it flew through the Air.

"OK. Verdi dat one go," he might say. Then: "Gordon Bennett, It's gone down
the plug hole! Scheidt! I'll have to Schien a torch down and try to Suk it
out. Wait till I Tallis to the Blochs down the pub. They'll say, 'Couldn't
you Steffani more down there then?' "

And unconnected with this die a log:

Look! At the back there I can see Scott Joplin. STOP IT YOU'LL GO DEAF!!!

And with that, or was it with this? No. This one's the cleaner's . . . he
Bax his Soler-powered car out of the garage and Schutz the door, then hits a
Holst of other vehicles including De No.11 Bussy! - and you'll see him
Rameau ver and over again one particular car belonging to the Telemann who
still hasn't fixed his set. Next time he sees him he's going to give him a
Smetana mouth! Then he runs over several small Italian dogs, Puccini, and a
Bassett Horn, and to keppel it all his nice knitted Tallis starts to
un-Ravel. His neighbour starts to tell him off and he says, "Awl wright!
Keep your Aaron, Copland!"

There's a Charpentier who's sawing a piece of wood so rythmically you can
see it Lully-m to sleep, and he collides with him as well. (Owzat? Master
and pupil in one sentence. Ten years penile servitude. Yup! They're sending
him to a women's prison!) and he finally crashes the car into a nearby
Soler-ium!

Now. Who have I left out???

The composer named after a violently corrupt British landlord from the 60s
and a shot in Billiards - Rackman In-off.
The composer who wrote music for the mechanical gramophone - Handel.
There's D. Scarlatti, who we're supposed to believe was locked up in a
castle with a princess for years and all he could do was write 514 sonatas
for the harpsichord. Actually, he wrote them to celebrate the invention of
the sewing machine. At least that's how they sound! (You think they're
crap?? Try playing a few! Phew! talk about diarrhoea of the fingers . . . .
.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
OK. You can stop talking about it now!))
And finally, there's the spice-merchant Vivaldi with his famous Four
Seasonings!

Oh, yes. And there's Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Boom - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Boom - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - (Change one note)
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Bong - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - (Change another note) Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Bong - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Tinkle - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Tinkle - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Gla . . . . . . . . .

Aaaaarrgh! It's stopped! The shock!!

The nun who operates teh convent's washing machine likes Mr. Glass' music.
Sister Matic.


And the marathon of all composer puns: an Italian composer, not very good in
my oppinion, who was on the Dole and collected his benefit cheques
regularly, who kept sheep on the side, liked to paint murals into wet
plaster and had not a hair on his head. Wait for it . . . .

Girolamo Frescobaldi!

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Frankly, I'm just amazed at this Lizt of composers.

I'll take that as a cry of "Encore!" (What a kerb-crawler does when he sees
one: honk whore.)

You're right. Daza Fore long Liszt indeed, but that's only Part of it! If
you love classical music as much as I do, learning about it is no trouble,
although long Liszts can make some people un Conforti ble.

For instance, Sousa Niggli little Weiner! She Torelli off a strip for a
similar Liszt, Harvey the size of this one. Gounod what happened next? She
nearly Brecht her neck! (OK Brecht was a poet. Weill - so what?.) Then she
threw her first course at her and made her all Suppe! I reminded her she
needed to Feunllana and she told her (small bird on a branch) all a bough
tit!

I like old thyme music as well. Bye bye Black Byrd ain't a bad tune,
especially when sung by that tiny actress, Pisadora, who ended up Sanz wig
in one of the Naked Gun films. It did Cima nod thing to happen. She must
have felt a right Poulenc-er!

Anyway, Meyerbeer quench your thirst and may your taste in music become
Vidor and a collection of MP3 files soon take a Gigout of your Hard Drive.

Oh yes. Did you hear about the composer who was franchised by the UK's major
satellite TV company to run a mobile vegetarian cafe? Vejvanofsky?

And what about Kachaturian? I tried to Kachaturian once but it was too quick
for me. My foot swole up and made my left Schubiger. I had to Senfl the
doctor!

And there's also a very gay composer who used to row people across a
Nigerian river. They used to say, "You gotta wear metal underpants when you
take the Battiferri!" When the boat got stuck he'd often say, "These layers
of Mudarra damned nuisance!"

There was also a composer who lived on nothing but bread and water -
Paniagua. He kept primates as pets and used to Locke his Gibbons up in a
small shed in Murcia, until an RSPCA Inspector who found them in a Desprez
condition said in it was Harvey fair, and he's have to Finzi Gibbons a much
larger enclosure.

.. . . . . . Phew!


Instruments and performers:

Banjo in a roadhouse: Inn Strum Ment.

OK. You're Serpent you want to do instrument puns? Are you Shawm? Regally
Shawm? Ah, well. I'll throw in a few performers too (Whee - splatt! - Ouch!)
and try and make this a Flutefull experiance then.

There was a drummer who liked a bit on the side, and when his wife found out
all he did was snare, so she kicked him in the Nakers and hit him on Top the
head. I think his name was Tim Pani as well. He was half punster and half
Indian, and a bit wet. He'd often Organ-ise ancient music concerts where
everyone would make a fearful Racket! (Yes folks! Phil Ology speaking.
That's where the expression comes from!) ("You got an Ology - you're a
scientist. . . . " - "GET that woman out of here! Tell her to bite her lip,
man! Her contract with BT ended years ago!!")

Mr. Baker would play his Crumhorn, and his wife, who really needed to have
her cellulite seen to, used to play the Sagbutt! And needless to say, Julian
Clarey would play the fagot while playing the Faggott and would repeatedly
wind up a Spanish musician by saying, "Hello, Vihuela!" in a provocative
manner. This Spanish chap, Manuel, was quite a good guitar player - he
didn't play by ear, he used to play manuelly - and afterwards down the pub,
(they went there every Evelyn for a Tubb of ale) they'd often end up
singing, "For he's de jolly good Falla!" The rest of the time they'd just
Chitarrone and talk. Oh yes. And they had *just one Cornetto* player, Bruce
Dickey. He was quite popular with Mr. Clarey as well, although he liked
Martin Best! And sometimes Kym Amps would sing. They'd get quite a charge
out of that!

(I went to a concert of hers at St. Brides Fleet Street once. It was such a
small place I ended up with Kym Amps sitting next to me in the pews in her
posh frock during the harpsichord solo bits. I'll never forget it. What a
stunner! Viagra definitely not required!)

Anyway, (Phew! Mops brow and puts imagination into neutral) not many people
came to these concerts (not the St. Brides ones - the ficticious ones!) so
they never made much Lute, and often the proceedings were thoroughly spoiled
by the frogs outside continually going, "Rebec! Rebec!" The frogs made such
an indescant noise that somebody brought a Recorder in to capture the sound,
and a biologist took some saliva samples from them in a Mikala Petri dish.
(And she is - quite a dish! And if you think the recorder's a toy, hear her
play!)

None of them were in the Musicians' Union so you'd often see Philip Pickett
outside with his friend Trevor, who was a bit of a Pinnock! - and if they
got bored they used to pass the time by running through the dead Andrew
Parrott sketch!

And I'd much rather listen to Mediaeval music than what passes for pop music
nowadays - Evil music!

Soler!

nemo (or somebody else of the same name) wrote thusly in message
:
Musical motoring . .

Vehicle got stolen in Spain while playing stuff by Car-loss Seixtas.

Pursued by a couple of patrol cars with their Blest Pair Of Sirens wailing

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