THE WORLD'S OLDEST HUMAN SKULL

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr Conrad:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:


1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,


Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Rich Travsky wrote:

Brilliant! :-D

Pat

Pat Flannery wrote:



Rich Travsky wrote:

Brilliant! :-D


Let me rephrase that... I'm an amateur paleontologist, and that's one of
the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life.
Did you write that?

Pat

Rich Travsky (aka Third Reich collaborator on behalf of the Smithsonian
Institute),
I'm afraid that our honest Ed Conrad isn't the problem here. What's
your obviously incest and LLPOF buttology problem?

Rich Travsky wrote:
: Paleoanthropology Division
: Smithsonian Institute
: 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
: Washington, DC 20078

: Yours in Science,
:
: Harvey Rowe
: Curator, Antiquities
-
Brad Guth


Rich Travsky wrote:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr Conrad:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:


1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,


Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Pat Flannery wrote:

Pat Flannery wrote:



Rich Travsky wrote:

Brilliant! :-D


Let me rephrase that... I'm an amateur paleontologist, and that's one of
the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life.
Did you write that?

No, it's been floating around the net for a few years.

Rich Travsky wrote in news:44C7C203.5F5A9855
@hotmMOVEail.com:

Pat Flannery wrote:

Pat Flannery wrote:



Rich Travsky wrote:

Brilliant! :-D


Let me rephrase that... I'm an amateur paleontologist, and that's one of
the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life.
Did you write that?

No, it's been floating around the net for a few years.

It may not have been yours, but reposting it in reply to an Ed Conrad rant
was certainly inspired.


--
JRF

Reply-to address spam-proofed - to reply by E-mail,
check "Organization" (I am not assimilated) and
think one step ahead of IBM.

Bradley E Guth and Rahl Karen A
Brown Nosed Kook
4410 SE Nelson Rd.
Olalla, WA 98359
Birthday:
March 19th, 1946
253-857-6061
253-857-5318

Bradley E Guth
Brown Nosed Kook
4410 SE Nelson Rd.
Olalla, WA 98359
Birthday:
March 19th, 1946
253-857-6061
253-857-5318



Looks like a trailer park, lots of addresses at this location.

"Jorge R. Frank" wrote:

Rich Travsky wrote in news:44C7C203.5F5A9855
@hotmMOVEail.com:

Pat Flannery wrote:

Pat Flannery wrote:



Rich Travsky wrote:

Brilliant! :-D


Let me rephrase that... I'm an amateur paleontologist, and that's one of
the funniest things I've ever read in my entire life.
Did you write that?

No, it's been floating around the net for a few years.

It may not have been yours, but reposting it in reply to an Ed Conrad rant
was certainly inspired.

I've done it a couple of times to him.

" wrote in message
oups.com


Bradley E Guth
Brown Nosed Kook
4410 SE Nelson Rd.
Olalla, WA 98359
Birthday:
March 19th, 1946
253-857-6061
253-857-5318



Looks like a trailer park, lots of addresses at this location.

You are so freaking pathetic, just like the good little Third Reich
collaborating Jew that you are.

So, why don't you stop by, or even call?

At least Ed Conrad and myself actually exist as real folks. How about
yourself?
-
Brad Guth



--
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