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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
BISMARCK, ND — The stage was set for another international showdown
Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles. "Satellite photos confirm that the North Dakotans have been quietly harboring an extensive nuclear-weapons program," said Blix, presenting his findings in a speech to the U.N. Security Council. "Alarmingly, this barely developed hinterland possesses the world's most technologically advanced weapons of mass destruction, capable of reaching targets all over the world." After initially offering no comment on the report, North Dakota officials admitted to having a stockpile of 1,710 warheads at two military sites and confirmed that the state has been home to an active nuclear-weapons-development program for decades. Blix called the revelation a "terrifying prospect for the world at large." Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged North Dakota to abandon its program. "This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation among developing states." European leaders also spoke out in opposition to North Dakota's weapons program. "North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'" According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over, none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th Parallel, South Dakota." "The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly, hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit." After a joint meeting of the French and German cabinets, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said the two nations "agree that this situation must be rectified" and implored North Dakota to cease its uranium-enrichment program immediately. "We have opened the door to talks," Schroeder said. "But, unfortunately, North Dakota seems unwilling to engage with the world community at this time." According to Blix, North Dakota is home to 500 Minuteman III ICBMs and 50 Peacekeeper missiles, giving it one of the heaviest concentrations of the weapons on earth. The biggest discovery made by U.N. inspectors, Blix said, was a missile field at Minot Air Force Base, where they found an "almost unbelievable" stockpile of warheads. The rogue state was also found to possess enormous stockpiles of fissile material. "North Dakota could have as much as 75 metric tons of weapons-grade uranium and 8 metric tons of weapons-grade plutonium," Blix said. "Just 55 pounds of uranium are needed to construct a simple nuclear weapon. Do the math—the prospects are terrifying." The man at the center of the controversy is North Dakota's leader, Gov. John Hoeven. Having risen to power in 2000 after amassing tremendous wealth in the private sector, Hoeven lives a life of comfort and excess inside the heavily patrolled North Dakota governor's mansion, a lavish dwelling paid for entirely by the state, while many of his people engage in subsistence farming. Some suspect that Hoeven is using the nuclear program as a bargaining chip to gain badly needed economic benefits for his state. Hardly at the forefront of technology in other aspects, North Dakota has a largely rural population and a child-poverty rate of 14 percent—a fact critics have been quick to point out. "North Dakotans live a horrible life of isolation and deprivation, struggling to grow crops in a hostile, sub-zero climate while their indifferent government routinely prioritizes bolstering the state's military might," BBC World correspondent Caroline Eagan said. "There are people starving there, and yet high-tech weapons laboratories and military bases abound. It's deplorable." Added Eagan: "And, no big surprise, the U.S. played a major role in arming this place. I hear most of the missiles are American-made." Many U.S. citizens have expressed fear, some realizing for the first time that North Dakota has thousands of weapons capable of reaching any major American city within minutes. "It is absolutely frightening that there are all these weapons of mass destruction practically in my backyard," said Karen Stiles of Moorhead, MN. "Do we really know enough about these people who have their finger on the button that could kill millions?" Added Stiles: "How did our elected officials let this happen?" -The Onion http://www.theonion.com/onion3904/north_dakota.html |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
Rusty B wrote: BISMARCK, ND The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles. We've been disarming for years; but at one time we were the third most powerful nuclear force on the face of the planet. I don't know if it still is the case, but at one time Minot AFB was where most of the U.S.'s tactical nukes resided. Pat |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
Herb Schaltegger wrote: Somehow, I think the story is incomplete without reference to Pat and the Firewomen. I know they're involved somehow . . . Old Minuteman silo = new "Hydrogen Blonde Hair Salon". The Firewomen were never keen on "minute-men" anyway. Pat |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
"Rusty B" wrote in message om... This is all a big hoax folks. See below. "The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly, hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit." There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are lying. The truth is, North Dakota does not exist and is really the result of too things: a surveying error and the desire of residents of South Dakota to make sense of their name. The truth is, w/o a North Dakota, the name South Dakota wouldn't make any sense. What would it be SOUTH of? Canada? Then it would be called South Canada. That wouldn't make any sense. So, in reality the folks of South Dakota have conspired to foist this hoax upon us so that they can sleep in peace at night. And now look at what lengths they've gone to! |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
Greg D. Moore (Strider) wrote: There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are lying. He's on to me! See our giant concrete buffalo- the Embarrassment Of The Plains: http://www.sorabji.com/2002/road_tri...ota/jamestown/ See "White Cloud" our albino buffalo, and salute to Native American Culture; and it's ripping off in the name of tourism: http://www.aristotle.net/~swarmack/whtcld.html - amazing what one can achieve with a buffalo and a few gallons of white paint. Pat Jamestown, North Dakota |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
On Fri, 07 Nov 2003 21:41:49 -0600, Pat Flannery
wrote: Greg D. Moore (Moron) wrote: There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are lying. ....Once again, Greg proves he's just three dip****s shy of being the next Bob Haller. I've been to North Dakota. It exists. They call Sodas and Cokes "Pop". They have a lot of Carl's Jr's and A&W's pretending to be Sonics. A Fargo cop busted George Barris for driving the non-street legal Batmobile and got himself busted to the local dog catcher. They even made a movie there, and the snow gets thick when it falls. It's also 45 miles west of Detroit Lakes, MN. And there's a LOT of bees instead of wasps in the fall. And sometimes you can see moose and flying squirrels beside the road, too. He's on to me! ....Just don't let him kiss you afterwards. You never know where those lips have been. OM -- "No ******* ever won a war by dying for | http://www.io.com/~o_m his country. He won it by making the other | Sergeant-At-Arms poor dumb ******* die for his country." | Human O-Ring Society - General George S. Patton, Jr |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
OM wrote: I've been to North Dakota. It exists. They call Sodas and Cokes "Pop". True, and we call earthworms "Angleworms" from their use in fishing. They have a lot of Carl's Jr's and A&W's pretending to be Sonics. What is a Sonic? I've also heard there is something called a "White Castle".... A Fargo cop busted George Barris for driving the non-street legal Batmobile and got himself busted to the local dog catcher. We do not put up with police acting funny around here; on the other hand, their duties are a tad odd, due to our low in number, but strange in mind, population. My brother is a cop and had to wrestle with an escaped boa constrictor once. He is also the one who had to shoot the piglet for the Police luau, after it's owner's (also a police officer) dog and it had become fast friends. After drilling porky between the eyes, my brother turned to the dog and said: "He ****ed up; don't you **** up." They even made a movie there, and the snow gets thick when it falls. We already have around four inches on the ground, and it is 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside. It's also 45 miles west of Detroit Lakes, MN. And there's a LOT of bees instead of wasps in the fall. And ****loads of yellow jackets all summer and fall. And sometimes you can see moose and flying squirrels beside the road, too. In summer in the western half of the state, the most common road kill is the Prairie Rattlesnake. But there are indeed moose about, and there wild ones within about ten miles of me as I write...and also....BLACKBIRDS! :-) Pat |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
In article ,
OM om@our_blessed_lady_mary_of_the_holy_NASA_researc h_facility.org writes: On Fri, 07 Nov 2003 21:41:49 -0600, Pat Flannery wrote: Greg D. Moore (Moron) wrote: There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are lying. ...Once again, Greg proves he's just three dip****s shy of being the next Bob Haller. I've been to North Dakota. It exists. They call Sodas and Cokes "Pop". They have a lot of Carl's Jr's and A&W's pretending to be Sonics. A Fargo cop busted George Barris for driving the non-street legal Batmobile and got himself busted to the local dog catcher. They even made a movie there, and the snow gets thick when it falls. It's also 45 miles west of Detroit Lakes, MN. And there's a LOT of bees instead of wasps in the fall. And sometimes you can see moose and flying squirrels beside the road, too. Of course North Dakota exists. The purpose of North Dakota is to keep South Dakota as far as possible from Canada, this avoiding embarrassing international incidents. North Dakota is divided into 3 sections, the Flat Lands, the Bad Lands, and the Even Worse Lands. It's main export is Methane. (North Dakots is teh only place I've flown over where you can smell the cows at 35,00o' in a pressurized airplane). Until the Canadian Film Board upgraded from hand-cranked cameras, thus making the Steppes of Alberta available, the Steppes of North Dakots often stood in for the Steppes of Russia in Hollywood movies. The seafood is horrid, but the Native Cuisine has been known to produce some tasty variants of Burnt Slab of Dead Cow. Factors in the placing of ICBMs in North Dakots we Position on hte least-energy flight path on a Polar trajectory to the (now defunct) Soviet Union, Wide open spaces for dispersal of missile silos (And then we invented Dense Pack, which, unfortunately did not make Rhode Island elegible as a location for siting Silos.), and the probable improvement of property values in the region in the case of a Nuclear Exchange. (As demonstrated in Nevada at Frenchman's Flats). Of course, they hate The Phone Company. Even Beduins hate The Phone Company. From the C.I.B. Factbook, archived in the Z.O.W.I.E. Library. (Not for distribution to the F.B.R.) -- Pete Stickney A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. -- Daniel Webster |
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North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
Pat! You forgot to mention The Weather Beacon... And we had this discussion about 18 months ago in a thread titled "MCS Update". |
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