Martian Air Force Denies Story of UFO Crash

Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Martian Air Force denounced as false
rumors that an alien spacecraft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares
Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy
The Lesser stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude
weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft."


The story broke late Saturday night when a Major stationed at nearby Ares
Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story
about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the
nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, and
"deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases."


Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record
telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser
stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the
Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp
gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's
explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly"
nature of the crash debris.


Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an
obvious government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps (oops).
They point to the release of secret government memos detailing attempts to
discredit reports of the landings by alien spacecraft. The memos discuss
strategies to avoid troubles similar to those caused by the War of the
Worlds radio program of years ago. The program, which featured a sensational
story of gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed invaders from Earth, sparked
planet wide panic.


Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the area of the alleged
landings, are even more skeptical. "I seen it with my own 3 eyes" claimed
Rhodo last week. "I've lived here over 300 years, most of my adult lifeform.
Them things used to be few and far between but lately they come in every few
years or so. The government wants to bury the truth but I can tell you
what's real. The Earthlings are going to invade and the government is
spending our hard earned tax dollars on press releases and denials instead
of preparing for the battle to come."


A spokesthing denied any government involvement in the disappearance of
Rhodo, who has not been seen since shortly after the interview, claiming
"Any sentient being knows that a planet with the concentrations of water and
oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and inhospitable environment for the
formation of life, much less intelligent life. The fear and consternation
caused by the unfounded and wild speculations of citizens like Rhodo are a
traitorous disservice to the citizens of Mars."

On Mon, 19 Jan 2004 07:17:30 +0000, Kilolani wrote:

Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Martian Air Force denounced as
false rumors that an alien spacecraft crashed in the desert, outside of
Ares Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today, General
Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless
high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft."


Excellent story, worth saving, so I did.

When Mer landed, I was reminded of the exhibit at the Hawaii Museum of
Natural History entitled, "Hawaii: 35 Million years of Silence". Mars has
been silent for what 12 billion years; and then - crash bang boom, one fine
morning. It's the equivalent of Saul sitting there reading his paper when
the next door kid's ball comes crashing through an open window.

Perhaps the Martian Press Interplanetary (MPI) next article can deal with
efforts to abate noise pollution.