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#1
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Tonight I will dream
Tonight I will dream the strangest dreams.
I will say not "I am" but "I am yours" For otherwise the statement is merely axiomatic. Tonight I will dream the strangest dreams And the absolute exists within the relative Which exists within the absolute. I will say not, "Do I dare" but "I am alive" And "I recognize" and "I know" and most importantly "I love therefore I am." Do I need to say the I before I can say I love you? Or is love the bridge between I and You that makes both come to life? Tonight I will dream strangest dreams And in my delirious expectation Will arise a palace of love From which will be glimpsed a new world. Tonight I will dream strangest dreams Of a cobweb that will shine itself through me And with its unrelenting viscosity reveal to the world the creatures it holds. It is not I It is not you It is not everything and nothing It is just life spread between tree limbs and flapping in the wind Ensnaring what flies. Only today This evening As the sun goes down over the Potomac I will tell you How tonight I will dream the strangest dreams About love that lives through us both And illuminates souls with its light. http://www.geocities.com/ilya_shambat/poems.htm |
#2
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Tonight I will dream
Tonight I will dream the strangest dreams. I will say not "I am" but "I am yours" Hi: Not bad. But a few observations: I DO NOT like capitalizing the first word of each line. Some folks do this, I know, but, IMHO, it makes verse hard to read. This happens to some people because they don't turn off "auto-complete" in Word. Go easy on the adverbs. Think: "If I had to pay 75 bucks for every adverb, would I use this one?" Check for weak passive voice/"to be" constructions. One bit of advice I can give, is that if a line REALLY strkes your fancy, you should cut it. I know you probably were fond of "I love therefore I am." But it's really a cliche' and should probably go. I do like the "list" that begins with "It is not I," etc. But the punctuation seem so be missing here. You need either a full stop or a comma (more likely) at the ends of the lines. Watch your punctuation. Some folks leave punctuation out, but you've got to be _consistent_ in this regard. Watch your line breaks. I like to at least _try_ to have each line be interesting _in its own right_. Line 22, for example, "This evening," doesn't have much interest. Watch the pronouns. Who is the "you" you're referring to? Go back and count the times you use "I". I liked "...cobweb that will shine through me." I don't like the word "viscosity" in line 18--but that's just me. I find it easier to write verse about things that are a little more "specific" or "tangible" than subjects like "the absolute," etc. Have you thought about imposing some kind of form on this poem? When my work needs tightening-up, I'll sometimes do that. Maybe a sestina? "Tonight I Will Dream" is the title? I like that, and like the way it is echoed in line one. I would like to see a little more "word play"...things like alliteration, etc., to liven this up. Think about cutting the last line and ending the poem with "About love that shines through us both." You've really said all you need to say by then. Oh, and I still want to know who the "you" is! :-) Don't get me wrong, I liked this poem. Thanks for sharing it. It just needs some fine-tuning IMHO. You should send it to somebody when it's done. Peace, Rod Mollise Author of _Choosing and Using a Schmidt Cassegrain Telescope_ Like SCTs and MCTs? Check-out sct-user, the mailing list for CAT fanciers! Goto http://members.aol.com/RMOLLISE/index.html |
#3
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
ODE TO MY GOLDFISH (author unknown)
Oh, wet pet. -- Martin Remove "ilikestars" from my email address to reply |
#4
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
Starstuffed:
ODE TO MY GOLDFISH (author unknown) Oh, wet pet. We do know that this wasn't written by a poet, because in poesy it's not "Oh," but "O", as in "O, say can you see..." or "O beautiful for spacious skies..." ***** My favorite short poem -- and one of the shortest true poems -- was written by Ogden Nash: On the Antiquity of Fleas Adam Had 'em. ****** Davoud -- usenet *at* davidillig dawt com |
#5
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
Actually, the shortest poem is supposed to be:
Title Fleas - Adam Had 'em Clear, Dark, Steady Skies! (And considerate neighbors!!!) |
#6
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
Wfoley2:
Actually, the shortest poem is supposed to be: Title Fleas - Adam Had 'em Down with revisionism! The title of the Ogden Nash poem that you cited is "On the Antiquity of Fleas." That the title is considerably longer than the poem is essential to the whole. Davoud -- usenet *at* davidillig dawt com |
#7
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
We do know that this wasn't written by a poet, because in poesy it's not "Oh," but "O", as in "O, say can you see..." or "O beautiful for spacious skies..." HI Davoud: Thankfully, both "O" and "Oh" went out of style quite some time back. ;-) Peace, Rod Mollise Author of _Choosing and Using a Schmidt Cassegrain Telescope_ Like SCTs and MCTs? Check-out sct-user, the mailing list for CAT fanciers! Goto http://members.aol.com/RMOLLISE/index.html |
#8
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
O!
No! Also a very short palindrome! |
#9
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
Davoud:
We do know that this wasn't written by a poet, because in poesy it's not "Oh," but "O", as in "O, say can you see..." or "O beautiful for spacious skies..." Rod Mollise: Thankfully, both "O" and "Oh" went out of style quite some time back. ;-) Oh, really? Not in my language they didn't! Even so, it doesn't hurt to know the difference between the evocative and the exclamation, and some would argue that knowing the difference is essential for one who would pretend to write poetry. Davoud -- usenet *at* davidillig dawt com |
#10
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The shortest poem ever written (was: Tonight I will dream)
Oh, really? Not in my language they didn't! Even so, it doesn't hurt to Hi Davoud: Take a quick look at some of the good modern poetry being written. I think you'll find nary an "O" or an "Oh." ;-) Peace, Rod Mollise Author of _Choosing and Using a Schmidt Cassegrain Telescope_ Like SCTs and MCTs? Check-out sct-user, the mailing list for CAT fanciers! Goto http://members.aol.com/RMOLLISE/index.html |
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