Cosmonaut and Astronaut Jokes

A Russian Space Shuttle crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.




Why did the supply ship crash into the Russian space station?

Because objects in MIR are closer than they appear.




Whats the difference between the MIR space station and a Yugo?
--Altitude...




Have you heard about the new NASA microwave?

It seats seven astronauts.




This latest score just in:

NASA 17

Astronauts 0




Werner Von Brauns father died in a concentration camp...

He fell out of the guard tower.




Why do most astronauts only fly one flight?

Its such a high stress job that burnout is almost
inevitable.




Shuttle astronauts generally fall into one of two groups:

Rookies and Extra-Crispy.




Where did the Columbia break up and burn?

Somewhere between Waco and Corpus Crispy!




How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.




What do Flight Directors use for birth control?

Their personality.




The Russian Space Agency had fallen on hard times.
The Director called a meeting to address the cosmonauts:
"I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you
want to hear first?

The Cosmonauts all shouted, "The good news! The good news!"

"Alright. Youre all going to get a change of underwear."

The Cosmonauts cheered. The Director continued, "And now
for the bad news. Group A, change with Group B.
Group C, change with..."




How did the German Rocket Scientists tie their shoes?

In little Nazis.




At the Shuttle crash site, one lone survivor sat with his
back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed
the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue
team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I
am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock,
seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor.
Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw
the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
"You cant judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to
survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his
head in disbelief. "I wont judge you for doing what was
necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your shuttle
only went down yesterday!"



What did Pete Conrad spill on the roadway during his motorcycle accident?


All the right stuff-ing!

St. Peter to the Angel of Death:

I said Robert Conrad, you idiot!


Tho the spacecraft is
The more dangerous vee-hickle,
Mr. Conrad was done in
By a little motor-sickle!




Those remaining of the Original Seven looked into Alan Shepards grave and said,
"Biggest divot he ever left!"




Whats the difference between Ed Givins and Adam West?

The wall folds down for Adam Wests car.


Whats the difference between Princess Di and Ed Givins?

About 20 MPH.




Scott Carpenter was spotted at Deke Slaytons grave dumping a can of
worms and shouting "Sick em!!"