Tonight I will dream

Tonight I will dream the strangest dreams.
I will say not "I am" but "I am yours"
For otherwise the statement is merely axiomatic.
Tonight I will dream the strangest dreams
And the absolute exists within the relative
Which exists within the absolute.
I will say not, "Do I dare" but "I am alive"
And "I recognize" and "I know" and most importantly
"I love therefore I am."
Do I need to say the I before I can say I love you?
Or is love the bridge between I and You that makes both come to life?
Tonight I will dream strangest dreams
And in my delirious expectation
Will arise a palace of love
From which will be glimpsed a new world.
Tonight I will dream strangest dreams
Of a cobweb that will shine itself through me
And with its unrelenting viscosity reveal to the world the creatures it holds.
It is not I
It is not you
It is not everything and nothing
It is just life spread between tree limbs and flapping in the wind
Ensnaring what flies.
Only today
This evening
As the sun goes down over the Potomac
I will tell you
How tonight I will dream the strangest dreams
About love that lives through us both
And illuminates souls with its light.

http://www.geocities.com/ilya_shambat/poems.htm

Tonight I will dream the strangest dreams.
I will say not "I am" but "I am yours"

Hi:

Not bad. But a few observations:

I DO NOT like capitalizing the first word of each line. Some folks do this, I
know, but, IMHO, it makes verse hard to read. This happens to some people
because they don't turn off "auto-complete" in Word.

Go easy on the adverbs. Think: "If I had to pay 75 bucks for every adverb,
would I use this one?"

Check for weak passive voice/"to be" constructions.

One bit of advice I can give, is that if a line REALLY strkes your fancy, you
should cut it. I know you probably were fond of "I love therefore I am." But
it's really a cliche' and should probably go.

I do like the "list" that begins with "It is not I," etc. But the punctuation
seem so be missing here. You need either a full stop or a comma (more likely)
at the ends of the lines. Watch your punctuation. Some folks leave punctuation
out, but you've got to be _consistent_ in this regard.

Watch your line breaks. I like to at least _try_ to have each line be
interesting _in its own right_. Line 22, for example, "This evening," doesn't
have much interest.

Watch the pronouns. Who is the "you" you're referring to? Go back and count the
times you use "I".

I liked "...cobweb that will shine through me."

I don't like the word "viscosity" in line 18--but that's just me.

I find it easier to write verse about things that are a little more "specific"
or "tangible" than subjects like "the absolute," etc.

Have you thought about imposing some kind of form on this poem? When my work
needs tightening-up, I'll sometimes do that. Maybe a sestina?

"Tonight I Will Dream" is the title? I like that, and like the way it is echoed
in line one.

I would like to see a little more "word play"...things like alliteration, etc.,
to liven this up.

Think about cutting the last line and ending the poem with "About love that
shines through us both." You've really said all you need to say by then. Oh,
and I still want to know who the "you" is! :-)

Don't get me wrong, I liked this poem. Thanks for sharing it. It just needs
some fine-tuning IMHO. You should send it to somebody when it's done.


Peace,
Rod Mollise
Author of _Choosing and Using a Schmidt Cassegrain Telescope_
Like SCTs and MCTs?
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ODE TO MY GOLDFISH (author unknown)

Oh, wet pet.



--
Martin
Remove "ilikestars" from my email address to reply

Starstuffed:
ODE TO MY GOLDFISH (author unknown)

Oh, wet pet.

We do know that this wasn't written by a poet, because in poesy it's
not "Oh," but "O", as in "O, say can you see..." or "O beautiful for
spacious skies..."

*****

My favorite short poem -- and one of the shortest true poems -- was
written by Ogden Nash:

On the Antiquity of Fleas

Adam
Had 'em.

******

Davoud

--
usenet *at* davidillig dawt com

Actually, the shortest poem is supposed to be:
Title Fleas -
Adam
Had 'em
Clear, Dark, Steady Skies!
(And considerate neighbors!!!)

Wfoley2:

Actually, the shortest poem is supposed to be:
Title Fleas -
Adam
Had 'em

Down with revisionism! The title of the Ogden Nash poem that you cited
is "On the Antiquity of Fleas." That the title is considerably longer
than the poem is essential to the whole.

Davoud

--
usenet *at* davidillig dawt com

We do know that this wasn't written by a poet, because in poesy it's
not "Oh," but "O", as in "O, say can you see..." or "O beautiful for
spacious skies..."

HI Davoud:

Thankfully, both "O" and "Oh" went out of style quite some time back. ;-)

Peace,
Rod Mollise
Author of _Choosing and Using a Schmidt Cassegrain Telescope_
Like SCTs and MCTs?
Check-out sct-user, the mailing list for CAT fanciers!
Goto http://members.aol.com/RMOLLISE/index.html

O!
No!

Also a very short palindrome!

Davoud:
We do know that this wasn't written by a poet, because in poesy it's
not "Oh," but "O", as in "O, say can you see..." or "O beautiful for
spacious skies..."

Rod Mollise:
Thankfully, both "O" and "Oh" went out of style quite some time back. ;-)

Oh, really? Not in my language they didn't! Even so, it doesn't hurt to
know the difference between the evocative and the exclamation, and some
would argue that knowing the difference is essential for one who would
pretend to write poetry.

Davoud

--
usenet *at* davidillig dawt com

Oh, really? Not in my language they didn't! Even so, it doesn't hurt to

Hi Davoud:

Take a quick look at some of the good modern poetry being written. I think
you'll find nary an "O" or an "Oh." ;-)

Peace,
Rod Mollise
Author of _Choosing and Using a Schmidt Cassegrain Telescope_
Like SCTs and MCTs?
Check-out sct-user, the mailing list for CAT fanciers!
Goto http://members.aol.com/RMOLLISE/index.html