Official Alt.Flame Who's Who Guide 1989-2002

Martin Hannigan wrote:
The alt.flame/alt.auk
WHO'S WHO


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Notice: New players are being added. If you want to suggest
someont to be added, please send me some email, a description,
and why they should be added.

If YOU want to be added, same deal.

We aer trying to update this back to the early 80's and be
fairly inclusive.

No farkin' kooks please.

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The alt.flame Who's Who - A user's guide to the flora, fauna, and
****heada of alt.flame. Copyright 1994(c) Accept no substitutions.
This is the one, the only, the official.

Submissions welcome but not necessarily used. Credit will be given to
anyone whose material is used, but will be made anonymous should the
submitter so desire.

- Abraham, Scott aka Bobaloob aka scottabe -- Talk about flaming, this
guy just NEVER stops. Uses the "repeated shout" method where he just
says the same thing over and over and you know he's sitting behind
the screen punching inanimate objects. Can be found in rec.skiing.alpine
disrupting the group. Occasionally pops into a.f for a quick spank
and a slap, but ends up slinking right back to RSA.

This is a biased report. ((tm) Harlan Ellison)

- Barbara Abernathy - aka Blabbernathy, Boobs Abbernappy, Blabberbutt
Jabberwocky, etc. Creature of legend. Unparalled in posting volume,
obscenity content, and sheer dementia; verily, her flameworks occupy a
subgenre of one. Would flame anyone, anywhere, over anything, and thus
burned herself to a cinder; finally met her timely demise at the hands
of alt.music.nirvana. Widely romanced by various menfolk in spite of
all this... but, then, so would Mother Teresa on *this* group.

- alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk - "What a pathetic bunch of
driftwood these prozac-popping net.knobs are. Perhaps *the* shortest
war in *the* history of *the* Usenet. To summarize, we went and stated
something along the lines of: All right kids, saddle up and move out
because we are officially claiming this swamp as alt.flame territory.
The response was an unequivocally unified 'Take it! It's yours!'
"As Sun-tzu said 'The true art of war is to subdue the enemy without
fighting.' Well Sun, what if the enemy is subdued and doesn't want to
fight? What the hell is someone supposed to do when the opposing army
collectively throws like a girl and cries to mama? Keep the tanks
rolling I suppose." -- Joel A. Sutherland

- alt.bigfoot - The less said of them, the better. A loose collective
of moose-poetry-writing newsgroup-invading chuckleheads, each of whom
has, in that arena of iniquitous absurdity, fulfilled his lifelong
dream... finally finding a pond small enough in which he can be a big
frog. They are perhaps best described as the Usenet equivalent of the
Blue Meanies in the movie _The Yellow Submarine_, only less menacing.

- alt.nuke.the.USA - A group of nitwits and halfwits who specialize in
nationality flames, a genre of flaming which was old when Usenet was
still netnews.*. Besides the obvious quality control problems, there's
something very wrong when a group of people dedicate themselves to a
force that has been screwing up life for all human beings since Day One
-- nationalism. Pathetic. Regulars can usually be found posting such
time-honored (to put it nicely) ripostes as "We saved your booties in
WW2" and "Americans are a bunch of sods", and talking about how vawstly
superiah they are to alt.flame.

- alt.peeves - Only known newsgroup with which alt.flame has gone to
war that honestly held its own (in no small way because everyone on
a.f. except for Marek, Dave Williams, and myself ran in the other
direction when they showed they could put a noun and a verb together
worth a damn). Higher standards of literacy than a.f., but too normal
to be as much fun. The unquestioned Elite of the Net... except for the
577,948 other clubs and cliques who also consider themselves the Elite
of the Net. Individually and collectively, they bear an uncomfortably
close resemblance to the deads in Robert Silverberg's short story
"Born with the Dead"... not to mention the "elite" in Roberta Lannes's
short story "I Walk Alone".

- alt.hackers.malicious - Yes, it's a hacking newsgroup, but it's
been assimilated by the borg. Hacking discussion do take place
there, but when you want to call out the gimp, go over to AHM.
Specialities include, outing, research and development of kook
ware and kook lie exposure, hacking, cracking, and basic hard core
humiliation.

- Bait, Flame - The second kind of denizen of alt.flame (the first, of
course, being "flamer"). As Andrew "Ducksworth" Hart put it:

- Spankard - Someone who has been repeatedly verbally beat about
the body until they're unrecognizable.

...alt.flame is loaded to the gills with senseless tackling
dummies who think it's the greatest sort of compliment when you pay
any attention to them at all, whether you best them or not. They
eat it up.

Flamers and Flame Bait. It's a symbiotic relationship.

Most such folks are good practice for up and coming flamers (most of
whom wind up being flame bait themselves). There are a precious few,
however, (Michele Dall'Agata and Jeff Witty, f'r instance) who make a
tremendous contribution to the wit quotient of this forum... not
because they can write to save their miserable lives, of course, but
because they so cry out to be made fun of that they inspire truly
hilarious parodies. As such, however indirectly, one can be flame bait
and still be of great value; indeed, Messrs. Dall'Agata and Witty may
be considered true masters of the form (R.I.P). (Obvious pun deleted
in the interest of good taste.)

- BARD aka Gary Landers - "Ann Landers is more entertaining." -- Joel
A. Sutherland.

- Brothers, Paul N. aka PNB - "Is very infrequently funny, but does
show some definite signs of net.life. Has good ideas, but poor execution
sometimes. Most of his posts leave me with the feeling that he could
have been funny if. Enjoys verbally abusing Kevin Hebert." -- Anonymous

- Boyd, John AKA Spooge - "Feh. MEOW!". Has lots of words for Jet.
Jumps around and flails about. He isn't a great flamer, but he's
persistent. A can of RAID couldn't keep him off the net.


- Cat Mandoo, aka Mark Rowland - Won the 1994 Wittiest Flamer alt.flame
award. "Mr Mandoo tends to destroy egos. If you get a GFY, raise the
white flag and bail faster than you can say Jack Robinson. Do not ever
intimate that the Internet is analogous to long distance telephoning.
Needless to say, the overt compliments this gentleman receives
concerning his originality and tact are praise enough." -- Joel A.
Sutherland.

- Clayton, David Andrew aka Dac - Announced, at the height of the
infamous "****head" thread in summer 1993, that alt.flame had gone to
the dogs, and that he was leaving for good... and announced it... and
announced it... and announced it. Came back at least once a month for
ages with verbose, leaden postings that all boiled down to "You all
suck", to scattered cries of "SPANK!!!" from one and all. Finally
admitted a few months ago that he wasn't getting the attention from us
that he felt he deserved, and hasn't been back since. One of the many
ex-flamers who's quite unmissed.

- Colburn, Michael P. - aka Comfortably Numb, Holeburn, Comfy. One of
the alt.flame old guard. Was voted Flamer of the Year in 1994. "Very
infrequently posts funny material. Had some decent efforts against
Dave Williams. He is also a steath [sic] flamer." -- Anonymous

- Curtis, George aka Pinhead - "Is sometimes funny, most of the time
whiny. Used to know how to flame without vulgarities. Has quickly
forgot. Enjoys verbally abusing Kevin Hebert." -- Anonymous

- Dall'Agata, Michele - "Extreme bitch/sex fixation. Has a mean
sister." -- Par Svensson. An exceedingly clue-deprived Italian oldbie.
Allowed to post to alt.flame once in a while by other veterans largely
as a keepsake.

- Ekran, Paal Ditlefsen - aka The Last Viking, The Large Vomit.
"Newbie supreme from Norway." -- Par Svensson. Joined alt.bigfoot in
the hopes of appearing less lame by comparison. It didn't work.

- Hannigan, Martin J. - The King of All Flame. Appeared on the
Howard Stern show representing alt.flame. "I get a fair amount of
material from Marty - Howard Stern.". "Handsome *******. I wish
he were single. - Barabara" If you decide to take on Hannigan, you
better ask somebody.

- Hart, Andrew B. aka Naql, Mr. Duck - "Sometimes funny sometimes dry
as hell. His major contribution is spanking most if not all the A.S.T
off the net." -- Anonymous

- Haushalter, Robert C. - "Claims to be a scientist, but mostly seems
obsessed with human excrements. Believes in the theory that says 'the
more old messages you include, the larger is the possibility of people
believing you've written something worthwhile'." -- Par Svensson. Also
a bit touchy about getting kicked off IRC channels.

"Aka, Blob, Blobby, Boob, Booby, Blub, Blubber, Hogsniffer, Horseshelter,
Ha-halter, the Shapeless One, Mr. Sensitivity:
"Boob first wandered into alt.flame from alt.cesium, quickly latched
onto a patented Naqlism, 'Euroscum', and made it his own trademark.
Befriended by Naql and under his protection, Blob flourished and
became a devoted disciple of Naql's Holy Order of the Pure Flame.
His promising flame career came to an end when, seduced by the Dark Side,
Blub left Naql's monastery high in the Andes mountains (and before
he could even snatch the pebble from my hand, I might add) and made
his way to the big city. There he fell in with unsavory elements and
now ekes out an existence as a fawning lap dawg begging for table
scraps from TSAKC Crime Boss, lil' Jimmy 'the Weasel' Keegan." -- Andrew
"Naql" Hart.

- Hausmann, John aka Need A Light?, Goin' Nova - "What is amazingly
consistent about Hausmann is how newbies reply to his posts with the
'Not So Bright/Need a Life' intro and think that they are the first
ones to come up with it." -- Joel A. Sutherland. "Seeing as he doesn't
use the 'Need a Light?' tag anymore, the 'Need-a-life?' is a little
outdated. Rest assured that if you are reading this for the first
time, (and in some (read: 99.9%) cases third) you'd fall into the
'Not-so-bright' trap. Literally." -- Ibid. "Net.nemesis of bigfoot and
Keegan, Hausmann is witty and to the point in his posts. Seems to
enjoy cascading." -- Chris Viens.

- Hebert, Kevin M. - One of the many folks around here who's convinced
that he's some sort of badass despite being regularly thrashed. One sad
bloke. "Trashed. By everybody." -- Chris Viens.

- Howard, David A. aka Cipher -- Kind of a weird guy. Got flamed
for having a boy scout site on one page, then some graphics of drug
stuff on another page and went ballistic for 2 years. Ended up
getting hacked by Rikijo of AHM and is now pretty much gone.

- Karnes, Daniel J. - "Patron saint of homophobics. Sort of a cross
between Keegan and Abernathy. Known for cross-posting flame-bait to
motss groups. Approached it as his own personal crusade to eradicate
`sexual deviants' from the net. Lost his wife and net access in the
process." -- Mark Vieselmeyer.

- Kickaha. Real name Chris Viens. "Somehow thinks that by submitting
enough entries to the Who's Who someone will eventually notice him.
Good luck goofball." -- Joel A. Sutherland

- Kimball, John AKA ****ball -- Uses the "Dancing" style of flame
where he spouts off never ending circles of nothing. NEVER comes
up with a good one, not entertaining, but we have to put up with
him regardless. It is a free place ya know.

- Keegan, James G. - Frequent, unwelcome guest from talk.abortion.
Front runner in the competition for the heavily contested "alt.flame
Broken Record" title. Also a ****head, but don't tell him so or he'll
report you to your system administrator. Recently elected to the
Council of Net.Idiots (whatever the hell that is).

- Koput, James - aka Fester the Rat, Locust Abortion Technician, and
a host of other nicks. "Just plain sucks. About the most amusement
you'll get out of Koput consists of trying to figure out what drug he
was one when he selected his new nickname." -- Chris Viens.

- Lloyd, Don, "Dense haemorrhoid." -- Joel A. Sutherland. "Claim to
fame, if he has to have one, is that he wrote a loose parody of
McCrotchlick's FAQ and thus gave every other freakin' newbie bovine
inspiration to write a FAQ of their own. Now if only Don could run
off a cliff... What else has he done? Flonked if I know." -- Ibid.
"A very petty flamer. Often magically attributes words or phrases
to people that never said them in the first place; the flaming
equivalent of a monkey trying to rollerblade." -- Chris Viens.

- Lund, Christopher Henrik - Stultifyingly boring Norwegian (a likely
redundancy). The original creator of The alt.flame Who's Who... which
he e-mailed me per my request, and which I looked at for all of about
15 seconds before junking and rewriting from scratch.

- Meat-Plow - A sort of newbie to the scene. Isn't in a lot
but when he is, it's a flame thrower. Carry over from AHM.

- Myrvang, Per Harald - Goes to the same school in Norway to which
Paal Ditlefsen Ekkhhead goes, debuted at the same time, and got spanked
at about the same time. The two of them posted JPEGs of themselves to
convince us all that they're separate entities, and they may even be
telling the truth... but who cares? The Tweedledum to Paal's
Tweedledee; like him, perpetually posted crap, and lots of it.

- Newbies, Clueless - Everyone who's been posting for less than three
months... and half the others. The most vital resource of alt.flame,
despite poor reputation; after all, imagine an oldbie-only moderated
flame group...

Blob: **** you, you racist bigot!
Carmelo: No, **** *you*, Hassholeter!
ying: How about those Blue Jays, eh?
Keegan: you forged this article, didn't you? chuckle
Darcy: I did not!
Keegan: did
Darcy: Didn't!
Keegan: did
Darcy: Didn't!
Stain: Oh, Wendy! *sigh*
Wendy: Oh, Pookie! *smewch*
Dave Williams: 'Ere, stop that!
Stain: ****head.
PNB: ****head.
Dobbs: ****head.
PNB: ****head.
'73 Chevy Pickup: [ slaps Willy in the head ] Now you've done it!
Stain: ****head.
Dobbs: ****head.
Stain: Lutefisk.

Horrifying, isn't it? Only through more newbies will this group avoid
paralysis... if only via having fresh targets.

- Nolley, Terry - aka Repo Man, Nolley-willy, Section Eight. Served in
the American armed forces, and is evidently one of our nation's servicemen
upon whom some really, ehm, interesting chemical/biological warfare agent
was tested. Spends a great deal of time and bandwidth raving about Drew
Barrymore, the virtues of airborne units, Drew Barrymore, killing moose,
Drew Barrymore, alt.religion.monica, and -- especially -- Drew Barrymore.
There is logic in posting this sort of stuff to alt.flame; after all,
Ms. Barrymore was the star of the movie _Firestarter_. Given all the
press the Internet has gotten, and given that celebrities are confessing
here and there to using its services (Christian Slater, Malcolm McDowell,
God knows who else), one hopes that Nolley never finds Drew's node; one
is unsure who would be caused more grief by such contact.

- Pordon, Steve aka Legion, Lesion, Spordex, Schroedinger'sexperiment,
Legos - "Sometimes funny (more like seldom). Doesn't initiate new posts
too often. He is a reactive flamer." -- Anonymous. Publishes his own
electronic magazine, _Entropy_, in which he demonstrates he can't write
SF either.

- Schreiber, Wendy - aka Miss Windy Udders, The Lethal Cleavage Bandit.
Initially traded flames with yours truly at her debut in the summer of
'94... then converted me to Pookiedom shortly thereafter. This has long
been a controversial action, but *sigh* how could I resist? How could I,
a mere man, possibly refrain from the charms of such a limitless fount
of sweetness and light and joy? [ frolicking and bouquet-picking deleted ]
Helen of Troy had nothing on this lady. Indeed, the very sight of her
is enough to make most males' balls drop off.

- The Stainless Steel Moviegoer - aka Jack Maxfield, Pookie, Stain,
Avoid normal situations. Yours truly. Apprentice hacker and three-year
-plus veteran of alt.flame. Official "weenie" according to the increasingly
unavailable (heh, heh) alt.bigfoot FAQ. Did I mention that I dig the
flicks?

"Aka, Stoneless, Strapless, Squealy, Brainless, Jerk Minyield, Obloid
abnormal deformations, He Who Brays Like a Mindless Ass, Mr. Annoying, etc.
"The Stainless Steel Rectal Thermometer first arrived in alt.flame about
two years ago on a rail, covered with tar and feathers, when he was
driven forth from alt.tasteless.jokes. Taken into the alt.flame Mother
of Mercy Hospital with third degree burns covering most of his plush
posterior, Strain repaid the readers of alt.flame by contributing his
services as a clay pigeon and devising much of the insipid tripe
that still waters a.f. down to this day. See also ****head Cascades,
Giggling Grabass Goofiness, and Annoying One-Line Non-Sequiturs." -- Andrew
"Naql" Hart.

Rebuttal: Actually, I was quite well liked on a.t.j. I got flamed
a lot for posting intensely bad puns, but since I was getting so bright
a spotlight, I issued a CFV on whether I should continue posting my
usual material there... which I won. 'Twas there that I acquired a
taste for flaming... and the rest, as they say, is history.

"Mistakes brevity for biting wit. Real name Jack Maxfield, has been
around a while and general likes referencing movie quotes. Is generally
not funny and is prone to net copping. (so say the bigfooters)."
-- Anonymous.

- Thorne, Tim AKA Skippy - Started Hell Flame Wars, an infamous
net flaming group. Actually flamed a lot of people prety well.
He has that British sharp sense of humor. Still here, still
flaming, and still in charge I might add.

- Sutherland, Joel A. - aka Gin & Tonic. "Undoubtedly the biggest
****-up since the Challenger did a header into the Atlantic. Does
show occasional wit, usually concurrent with a full lunar eclipse
over North America. Tends to suffer from Postitis Interruptus, the
inability to finish what he starts." -- Don Lloyd. "Has had some good
showings against Ian, and even spanked John Vermin Orpe completely off
the net. Shows signs of life, although he really tries too hard."
-- Chris Viens.


- Suzieflame - Wow. What a woman. Doesn't post quantity, but
does post quality. You can count on being flamed when you get
her mad. Amazing abilities to pop out with one liners
regarding things you'd think she wouldn't know about you
i.e. medical status, location, real name. Etc. We suspect
that she's with one of those database companies.

- Thomas, Ian - aka Goober. "Just a good-old, down-home, aw-shucks sort
of guy. Flame him and you've got a friend for life -- whether you want
it or not. Immune to or -- more likely -- oblivious of insults, his
good-natured replies are lighter than his Aunt Edith's souffles.
Occasionally sneaks in an amusing one-liner or an actual insult, but
this may only be a manifestation of that million monkeys thing. Do not
ask him about his mother or any of those nasty sheep rumors." -- Don
Lloyd. Joined alt.angst in its assault on rec.org.mensa in February
1996, therefore making him one of Bob Haushalter's few competitors for
the alt.flame Inferiority Complex of the Year Award.

- Walsh, Kevin - "Funny as hell. Posts kind of infrequently but always
(okay nearly always) comes up with a winner." -- Anonymous

- Williams, Dave aka Willy, Swilliams - "He's the stealth flamer.
Sometimes (more often than naught) he is genuinely funny. He runs
circles around pseudointellectuals, but falls into the vulgar trap
to easily. He did good work waxing off Brian 'I wish I was Babs'
Aitkens and appropriately net copped on alt.bigfoot." -- Anonymous

- Williams, Roger aka Parrot Head - Used to post a lot. Interesting
sense of humor. Not a bad guy, just takes getting used to. Spanked
off the net and into a semi-witness protection program by the
skinheads in alt.religion.asatru

- Wiseman, Roger AKA AB8MQ or KC8JBO - Ham Radio Operator who
somehow was allowed on usenet. The only flame he knows is the
famed "pedo" flame where he calls everyone and everything a pedo.
Rumored to have RL psych issues. Recently disappeared near the
Loch Ness in Scotland.

- ying - aka Marek, Bubbles. Real name Mark Brownell. Took up
chemistry to *snicker* "expand his mind". Also a produced playwright,
though I can't imagine why. Thinks of himself as some sort of
ladykiller, for which he should be forced to listen to Richard
Hell and the Voidoids' "Love Comes In Spurts" about 500 times
without a break.

"Aka, Ying the Yellow, Mawk Brownosell, Easy Mark, Mr. Bunny, and the
Dirty, Double-Dealing, Bet-Welcher, who plagiarized the hell of me, got
caught, and lied about it.
"Mark made his debut during the "Mark Infestation of '93" as one of the
three Amigos: Mark, Mark, and Mark. Now known as "Ying" in order to
circumvent the many killfiles in which he is recorded, Ying is a
deceptively amiable, glad-handing, backstabber. Don't trust him.
See also: Flambe' Lite." -- Andrew "Naql" Hart.

- Zanca, Paul J. - Out of the goodness of his heart, Mr. Zanca decided
to write his own evaluation: "I am an opinionated asshole, and you can
quote me on that, you pathetic thing cast aside by diseased dung beetle.
**** you." I for one have no inclination to argue with the man.

- Zeke - "The infamous double poster always commits the perfect crime.
Not only does he tie his victim's stomachs in knots with the actual post,
but he kicks you on your way down with his .sig. And everyone knows about
the golden rule of .sig flaming..." -- Joel A. Sutherland.

FYI

RL