North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

BISMARCK, ND — The stage was set for another international showdown
Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that
the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a
large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

"Satellite photos confirm that the North Dakotans have been quietly
harboring an extensive nuclear-weapons program," said Blix,
presenting his findings in a speech to the U.N. Security
Council. "Alarmingly, this barely developed hinterland possesses the
world's most technologically advanced weapons of mass destruction,
capable of reaching targets all over the world."

After initially offering no comment on the report, North Dakota
officials admitted to having a stockpile of 1,710 warheads at two
military sites and confirmed that the state has been home to an
active nuclear-weapons-development program for decades.

Blix called the revelation a "terrifying prospect for the world at
large."

Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan
urged North Dakota to abandon its program.

"This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like
North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War
environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation
among developing states."

European leaders also spoke out in opposition to North Dakota's
weapons program.

"North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to
responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President
Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even
have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but
still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not
believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'"

According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear
arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over,
none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th
Parallel, South Dakota."

"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly,
hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac
said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the
Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a
bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."

After a joint meeting of the French and German cabinets, German
Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said the two nations "agree that this
situation must be rectified" and implored North Dakota to cease its
uranium-enrichment program immediately.

"We have opened the door to talks," Schroeder said. "But,
unfortunately, North Dakota seems unwilling to engage with the world
community at this time."

According to Blix, North Dakota is home to 500 Minuteman III ICBMs
and 50 Peacekeeper missiles, giving it one of the heaviest
concentrations of the weapons on earth. The biggest discovery made by
U.N. inspectors, Blix said, was a missile field at Minot Air Force
Base, where they found an "almost unbelievable" stockpile of warheads.

The rogue state was also found to possess enormous stockpiles of
fissile material.

"North Dakota could have as much as 75 metric tons of weapons-grade
uranium and 8 metric tons of weapons-grade plutonium," Blix
said. "Just 55 pounds of uranium are needed to construct a simple
nuclear weapon. Do the math—the prospects are terrifying."

The man at the center of the controversy is North Dakota's leader,
Gov. John Hoeven. Having risen to power in 2000 after amassing
tremendous wealth in the private sector, Hoeven lives a life of
comfort and excess inside the heavily patrolled North Dakota
governor's mansion, a lavish dwelling paid for entirely by the state,
while many of his people engage in subsistence farming.

Some suspect that Hoeven is using the nuclear program as a bargaining
chip to gain badly needed economic benefits for his state. Hardly at
the forefront of technology in other aspects, North Dakota has a
largely rural population and a child-poverty rate of 14 percent—a
fact critics have been quick to point out.

"North Dakotans live a horrible life of isolation and deprivation,
struggling to grow crops in a hostile, sub-zero climate while their
indifferent government routinely prioritizes bolstering the state's
military might," BBC World correspondent Caroline Eagan said. "There
are people starving there, and yet high-tech weapons laboratories and
military bases abound. It's deplorable."

Added Eagan: "And, no big surprise, the U.S. played a major role in
arming this place. I hear most of the missiles are American-made."

Many U.S. citizens have expressed fear, some realizing for the first
time that North Dakota has thousands of weapons capable of reaching
any major American city within minutes.

"It is absolutely frightening that there are all these weapons of
mass destruction practically in my backyard," said Karen Stiles of
Moorhead, MN. "Do we really know enough about these people who have
their finger on the button that could kill millions?"

Added Stiles: "How did our elected officials let this happen?"

-The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/onion3904/north_dakota.html

Rusty B wrote:

BISMARCK, ND  The stage was set for another international showdown
Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that
the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a
large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

We've been disarming for years; but at one time we were the third most
powerful nuclear force on the face of the planet.
I don't know if it still is the case, but at one time Minot AFB was
where most of the U.S.'s tactical nukes resided.

Pat

In article ,
(Rusty B) wrote:

BISMARCK, ND — The stage was set for another international showdown
Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that
the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a
large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

(Snip!)

Added Stiles: "How did our elected officials let this happen?"

-The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/onion3904/north_dakota.html

Somehow, I think the story is incomplete without reference to Pat and
the Firewomen. I know they're involved somehow . . .

--
Herb Schaltegger, B.S., J.D.
Reformed Aerospace Engineer
Columbia Loss FAQ:
http://www.io.com/~o_m/columbia_loss_faq_x.html

Herb Schaltegger wrote:

Somehow, I think the story is incomplete without reference to Pat and
the Firewomen. I know they're involved somehow . . .



Old Minuteman silo = new "Hydrogen Blonde Hair Salon". The Firewomen
were never keen on "minute-men" anyway.

Pat

"Rusty B" wrote in message
om...

This is all a big hoax folks. See below.


"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly,
hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac
said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the
Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a
bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."

There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do
folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone
DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are
lying.

The truth is, North Dakota does not exist and is really the result of too
things: a surveying error and the desire of residents of South Dakota to
make sense of their name. The truth is, w/o a North Dakota, the name South
Dakota wouldn't make any sense. What would it be SOUTH of? Canada? Then
it would be called South Canada. That wouldn't make any sense.

So, in reality the folks of South Dakota have conspired to foist this hoax
upon us so that they can sleep in peace at night.

And now look at what lengths they've gone to!

Greg D. Moore (Strider) wrote:

There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do
folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone
DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are
lying.

He's on to me!
See our giant concrete buffalo- the Embarrassment Of The Plains:
http://www.sorabji.com/2002/road_tri...ota/jamestown/
See "White Cloud" our albino buffalo, and salute to Native American
Culture; and it's ripping off in the name of tourism:
http://www.aristotle.net/~swarmack/whtcld.html - amazing what one can
achieve with a buffalo and a few gallons of white paint.

Pat
Jamestown, North Dakota

On Fri, 07 Nov 2003 21:41:49 -0600, Pat Flannery
wrote:

Greg D. Moore (Moron) wrote:

There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do
folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone
DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are
lying.

....Once again, Greg proves he's just three dip****s shy of being the
next Bob Haller. I've been to North Dakota. It exists. They call Sodas
and Cokes "Pop". They have a lot of Carl's Jr's and A&W's pretending
to be Sonics. A Fargo cop busted George Barris for driving the
non-street legal Batmobile and got himself busted to the local dog
catcher. They even made a movie there, and the snow gets thick when it
falls. It's also 45 miles west of Detroit Lakes, MN. And there's a LOT
of bees instead of wasps in the fall. And sometimes you can see moose
and flying squirrels beside the road, too.

He's on to me!

....Just don't let him kiss you afterwards. You never know where those
lips have been.

OM

--

"No ******* ever won a war by dying for | http://www.io.com/~o_m
his country. He won it by making the other | Sergeant-At-Arms
poor dumb ******* die for his country." | Human O-Ring Society

- General George S. Patton, Jr

OM wrote:

I've been to North Dakota. It exists. They call Sodas
and Cokes "Pop".


True, and we call earthworms "Angleworms" from their use in fishing.

They have a lot of Carl's Jr's and A&W's pretending
to be Sonics.


What is a Sonic? I've also heard there is something called a "White
Castle"....

A Fargo cop busted George Barris for driving the
non-street legal Batmobile and got himself busted to the local dog
catcher.


We do not put up with police acting funny around here; on the other
hand, their duties are a tad odd, due to our low in number, but strange
in mind, population. My brother is a cop and had to wrestle with an
escaped boa constrictor once. He is also the one who had to shoot the
piglet for the Police luau, after it's owner's (also a police officer)
dog and it had become fast friends. After drilling porky between the
eyes, my brother turned to the dog and said: "He ****ed up; don't you
**** up."

They even made a movie there, and the snow gets thick when it
falls.


We already have around four inches on the ground, and it is 2 degrees
Fahrenheit outside.

It's also 45 miles west of Detroit Lakes, MN. And there's a LOT
of bees instead of wasps in the fall.


And ****loads of yellow jackets all summer and fall.

And sometimes you can see moose
and flying squirrels beside the road, too.


In summer in the western half of the state, the most common road kill is
the Prairie Rattlesnake. But there are indeed moose about, and there
wild ones within about ten miles of me as I write...and
also....BLACKBIRDS! :-)

Pat

In article ,
OM om@our_blessed_lady_mary_of_the_holy_NASA_researc h_facility.org writes:
On Fri, 07 Nov 2003 21:41:49 -0600, Pat Flannery
wrote:

Greg D. Moore (Moron) wrote:

There's a good reason for that. It doesn't really exist. Seriously. Do
folks KNOW anyone from North Dakota? No? Of course not. And if someone
DOES claim to be from there, you can tell from their shifty eyes they are
lying.

...Once again, Greg proves he's just three dip****s shy of being the
next Bob Haller. I've been to North Dakota. It exists. They call Sodas
and Cokes "Pop". They have a lot of Carl's Jr's and A&W's pretending
to be Sonics. A Fargo cop busted George Barris for driving the
non-street legal Batmobile and got himself busted to the local dog
catcher. They even made a movie there, and the snow gets thick when it
falls. It's also 45 miles west of Detroit Lakes, MN. And there's a LOT
of bees instead of wasps in the fall. And sometimes you can see moose
and flying squirrels beside the road, too.

Of course North Dakota exists. The purpose of North Dakota is to keep
South Dakota as far as possible from Canada, this avoiding
embarrassing international incidents. North Dakota is divided into 3
sections, the Flat Lands, the Bad Lands, and the Even Worse Lands.
It's main export is Methane. (North Dakots is teh only place I've
flown over where you can smell the cows at 35,00o' in a pressurized
airplane). Until the Canadian Film Board upgraded from hand-cranked
cameras, thus making the Steppes of Alberta available, the Steppes of
North Dakots often stood in for the Steppes of Russia in Hollywood
movies. The seafood is horrid, but the Native Cuisine has been known
to produce some tasty variants of Burnt Slab of Dead Cow.

Factors in the placing of ICBMs in North Dakots we Position on hte
least-energy flight path on a Polar trajectory to the (now defunct)
Soviet Union, Wide open spaces for dispersal of missile silos (And
then we invented Dense Pack, which, unfortunately did not make Rhode
Island elegible as a location for siting Silos.), and the probable
improvement of property values in the region in the case of a Nuclear
Exchange. (As demonstrated in Nevada at Frenchman's Flats).

Of course, they hate The Phone Company. Even Beduins hate The Phone
Company.

From the C.I.B. Factbook, archived in the Z.O.W.I.E. Library. (Not for
distribution to the F.B.R.)

--
Pete Stickney
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures. -- Daniel Webster

Pat! You forgot to mention The Weather Beacon...

And we had this discussion about 18 months ago in a thread
titled "MCS Update".