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Apollo 1 Fire Jokes



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 27th 04, 12:03 PM
Pat Flannery
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Default Apollo 1 Fire Jokes



Anonymous via the Cypherpunks Tonga Remailer wrote:



OM


Oh God...if you _knew_ what you had just done...there isn't even going
to be a wet spot left...

As Godzilla turned away from the ruined and burnt corpse of Manda- the
rubbery sea serpent of the Mu Empire- he felt somehow empty... where
were the glory days of old, when his foes were of some caliber worthy of
his strength and anger?
A huge concussion shook the air! A giant fireball formed behind him!
From it a monstrous horror emerged! The three heads of King Ghidorah
spat forth their pestilential lightning across the burnt wreckage of Tokyo!
"Now"- the radioactive menace thought- "Has again come _my_ time!"

Steve Martin- Tokyo

P.S.- Anyone wanting to see the two coolest Japanese Sci-Fi films ever
done..."The Mysterians" and "Atragon" (the live-action one, not the
anime one with the "Ra") should have a peek at this hyperlink under the
"A" and "M" sections: http://www.monstersinmotion.com/dvd/indexa.html
.....AND FOR GOD'S SAKE....READ THE SHIRISHI DOCUMENT! It will be the
only warning you will have if you wish to avoid the kidnapping of our
women by sex-starved, radiation-scarred, aliens from a group of small
stars between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter!
Pistols WON'T stop them...it's been tried- read up on the terrible dual
threat of the destroyed planet Mysteroid and the Mu Empire's giant
rubber marionette snake NOW:

I can well imagine what they did to it- did they ever do "Atragon
Conquers The World"? that may be the weirdest Japanese sci-fi film of
them all

OK, I'm sold. Although I think the title was just Atragon.
http://www.stomptokyo.com/badmoviereport/atragon.html

(although the Japanese title was given elsewhere as atoragon / kaitei
gunkan).

Now, where can I get it?


Good luck- I've never seen it, and even "The Mysterians" is hard to come
by- and that's such a blast of a movie, as our poor betrayed Dr.
Shirishi thinks that the aliens are good guys, only to find out that
they are here just to breed with Japanese women and wear really silly
looking space helmets and sunglasses while hiding in a giant toy top in
the bottom of a lake...but these refugees from "A group of small stars
between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter" have some major league kick-ass
weapons to stomp the sons of the rising sun with, in their quest for
interplanetary poon-tang. Luckily, after the Japanese Self Defense Force
gets it's oriental ass swatted once again while futilely trying to stop
the destruction of the already radioactive reptile breath scorched, and
giant moth silk strewn Nipponese homeland, the UN gets involved in a way
that would cause heart seizure among Montana Militia Movement members;
by pulling out THEIR kick-ass weapons, like the twin nuclear rocket
driven giant lift-jet aerodyne/dirigible/what's-it's (truly wondrous
machines that had to have been bought at the International Rescue
rummage sale.) to rain down super incendiaries on the all-too- horny
heads of the alien miscreants, and teach them that when it comes to
demure Japanese women, only animated tentacle sex is allowed, and then
only if they have softball sized eyes, and green hair.
But this is only the beginning of the triple threat that the U.N. has in
store for the Casanovas from space, as after one of the flying
what's-it's gets blown to Yasukuni Shrine by the carefully and gaudily
animated alien lightning rays, step two swings into action as giant
rockets propel the twin U.N. Markalites into action; what, you will ask,
is a "Markalite"? To tell you the truth I wasn't sure either, but as
soon as the head of the beleaguered Japanese Defense Of Our Women's
Honor Combined Force laid eyes on the blueprints of it, he knew it was a
Markalite, and capable of some of the most garishly impressive visual
effects ever seen on the silver screen- the immense, quadra-treaded
radar dishes crawl across country under remote control, reflecting the
cosmic cockhounds lightning rays right back into their slimy little
radiation scarred faces, while kicking in more lightning of their own
just to really show them who's boss in this burg.
But the giant top is resistant to this also, merely bouncing up and down
and emitting a sound suspiciously like an occidental raspberry, and the
Markalite's 60,000 D cell batteries start loosing their juice after a
few rounds, like kids toys on late Christmas night....but the OTHER
flying what's-it has returned to the Tokyo Airfield (now rechristened
Virtue And Chastity Of The Dewey-Eyed Flowers Of Our Homeland Strategic
Alien Repulsion Group Headquarters Airfield Number One- this translates
into Japanese as "Kinimona") so now it's time to pull out the stops and
really let the panting peckerheads from the stars have it... The captain
has his hand on a great big lever, and is looking at great big gauges on
the ubergizmo's flight deck- and what's coming out of the nose turret
this time is THE ATOMIC HEAT CANNON'S BEAM- so powerful, that it is even
animated in two colors! Combined with Dr. Shirishi's belated turn to the
Bright Side of the Force, and his return to Vigorous And Morally Pure
Japanese Manhood- untainted by the desire to have any relationship with
filthy, horny, aliens...no matter how many babes they could get him at
ray gun point- the aliens are doomed! As the Atomic Heat Cannon starts
tearing the giant water top apart from the outside, Dr. Shirishi starts
zapping and kicking over every Tesla Coil, Jacob's Ladder, Klystron
Tube, and Lava Lamp in sight, leaving their Lounge Lizard Disco-Ball of
a "Submarine Lake Fort For The Corruption Of Innocent Japanese Women,
And Their Ultimate Impregnation With Our Seed" (Alien Translation:
Vlortu) a pile of shorting, smoking ruin, like Studio 54 after an
all-nighter with Sex Pistols.
So the aliens cut out, unlaid and unmissed; and for another week, Japan
is safe....until that iceberg with the glowing fins sticking out of it's
top drifts into the south seas, and begins to melt.

Pat"

AND....

"ATRAGON"; reviewed by Michael Wolff:

"My all-time favorite Japanese SF film. Oh yes, and itís cheesy as only
a true Toho Studios thoroughbred can be. The true connoisseur of
good/bad movies can spend hours admiring this the way a lover of fine
china can murmur dreamily over a piece of Limoges. I was seven years old
when the film came to these shores (accompanied by one of the best TV
commercials out of the American-International publicity workshop) and
Iíve been in love with this movie ever since. The film itself certainly
takes a backseat to well-worn Toho classics such as The Mysterians,
Mothra and Rodan, but it has the song of pure crystal when you tap it.
Not much, but itís definitely there.

THE PLOT: The undersea Mu Empire has been quietly kidnaping scientists
from throughout the surface world. In brief, the Empire needs their
technical expertise to help shore up the caverns and tunnels that
theyíve been living in ever since their civilization sank during one of
those pesky giant earthquakes that so often sink large advanced
civilizations throughout history (only to have them rise up again in
time for the human race to develop a motion picture industry). The
Empire is one of those places with atomic energy, advanced monorail-type
transportation, clean pseudo-Things To Come/shopping mall-type cities .
.. . and everyone runs around in robes and loincloths, carrying spears
and swords. The fact that they worship a giant rubber sea serpent known
as Manda may have something to do with their outlook and approach to
life, but I wonít digress too far into anthropology this time.

One thing and one thing only really tightens the panties of the Empireís
higher-ups: the possible existence of a super-weapon known as Atragon.
Stay with me now, hereís where it gets a little complicated. During
World War II Hachiro Jinguji . . . considered to be the worldís greatest
authorities on the subject of submarines . . . was at work designing an
undersea battleship. Not just a submarine, you understand, but an
undersea battleship. You see, the difference is that a submarine is just
a submarine, but an undersea battleship is fully armed for bear
(assuming it finds one in the ocean) and can also travel beneath the
water . . .

Look! Itís a SF-nerd guy thing, all right?

Geez!

Anyway, the Mu Empire managed to find rough diagrams of Atragon inside a
Japanese submarine that had sank during the war. Many years were spent
apparently worshiping the giant rubber snake until it was decided that
maybe . . . possibly . . . Jinguji was building Atragon somewhere. Not
good, especially since the Mu Empire was also deciding that it was about
time to conquer the surface world and spread the Word about loincloths
and the giant rubber snake.

So . . . the Empire decides to come out of hiding and warns the surface
world that Atragon . . . the one weapon capable of threatening the
Empire . . . must not be built and used, or else the surface world will
Pay Heavily.

The surface world (which, up until now, didnít know Jack about either
the Mu Empire or Atragon) collectively goes "huh"? And then immediately
goes about looking for Jinguji and Atragon. How Fortunate For Us that
Jingujiís daughter has conveniently spent all these years being raised
by shipping magnate Kosumi (who was an Admiral during the war, and
Jingujiís commanding officer). A search is immediately made for Jinguji
who . . . conveniently . . . is just putting the finishing touches on
Atragon and is getting ready to put the craft on its initial trials. The
World Is Saved! Or Is It? Because, you see, Jinguji is reluctant to turn
Atragon over to the United Nations.

Meanwhile: the Mu Empire launches its attack. The Empireís soldiers can
launch slow-moving missiles, send out hissing mines which creep up on
ships, can cause earthquakes, throw manhole covers high into the air and
possesses a fleet of advanced submarines which feature cool energy-beam
projecting sea-serpent statues on the bow. Obviously us surface dwellers
are in deep doo-doo unless Jinguji gets off the pot and lets us use
Atragon. Will he be in time? The movie audience wrings its hands in
sheer suspense.

THE MOVIE: Actually, Atragon can boast a more distinguished pedigree
than any of its Toho brothers and sisters. The story was based (very
loosely) on the classic SF novel Kaitei Gunkan ("Undersea Battleship",
and you can tell the difference between a submarine and an undersea
battleship because . . . ) by Shunro Oshikawa (sometimes referred to as
"the Japanese Jules Verne"). Obviously the screenplay adaptation (by
Shigeru Komatsuzaki and Shinichi Sekizawa) didnít cause Orson Welles or
Kenneth Branagh to lose any sleep, but one shouldnít dismiss it
altogether. The movie was made back in the glory days of Toho Studios,
when Ishiro Honda was routinely releasing all sorts of havoc upon Tokyo
and the world on a regular basis. Long before Tohoís work degraded into
embarrassments such as Godzilla On Monster Island, Honda and the Toho
crew were actually managing to insert elements of genuine plot and drama
into their stories.

As an example: one reason for Jingujiís reluctance to turn Atragon over
to the UN is his pro-Japan militarism which was a response to the fact
that he was a deserter in World War II. An intruiging little subplot
(which was interestingly excised from the original American release of
the film). Jinguji, played by Toshiro Mifune clone Jun Tazaki, manages
rather well to balance his rigid determination to preserve his honor and
his convictions with his desire for a reconciliation between himself and
his daughter. The film being what it is, there isnít enough time given
to soap opera, but the cast and script manage to get enough of the idea
across.

Speaking of the cast, the standard Toho stable finds work here. Ken
Uehara . . . who appears in practically every Japanese SF film as a
diplomat or senior official or high military officer . . . shows up here
as (surprise surprise) former Japanese admiral Kosumi. Itís Uehara who
has most of the scenes confronting Tazaki over the charges of desertion
(as well as the debates concerning loyalty and duty), and their scenes
together are, not too surprisingly, the best acted in the film.

(A particularly good scene has Uehara in a crowd of people interrogating
a suspect in a police cell. Ueharaís character recognizes a detail as
being of a military background, and the shipping magnate melts away to
reveal the former Admiral in the Japanese Navy. Uehara manages to play
the respected senior military officer in civilian dress rather neatly
throughout this and the remainder of the film.)

Yoko Fujiyama plays Jingujiís daughter Makoto . . . a role which
requires little of her except to look forlorn as she fears for the
future of her relationship with her father (Iím probably mistaken, but I
wouldnít be surprised to learn that Japanese actresses have to take
courses like "Tragic 101" or "Introductory Despair"). The love interest
is played by Tadao Takashima as a photographer who witnessed one of the
scientist kidnapings by the Mu Empire. Your average clean-cut hero type.

And speaking of the Mu Empire, some of the more interesting roles in
Atragon belong to the actors playing its inhabitants (youíll note I
didnít say best roles . . . just interesting). Kenji Sahara plays a Mu
agent disguised as a journalist. His disguise . . . sort of a Japanese
version of Maynard Krebs (complete with goatee) . . . really makes him
stand out among the more conventionally dressed people in the story, and
you soon wonder why he simply doesnít go around wearing a big sign
saying WATCH OUT, IíM REALLY AN AGENT OF THE UNDERSEA MU EMPIRE. Itís a
hammy role, though, and Sahara knows it and plays it to the hilt,
producing one of the better characters in the film.

Much more sinister is Akihiko Hirata as Mu Agent #23 . . . wearing dark
glasses, a sensible haircut, sinister cobra-like smile and possessing
the ability to heat up wrenches and deliver electric shocks. If he was
any oilier heíd be a threat to marine life, and he slides into the role
with an almost ghoulish charm.

Down in Mu itself we find Eisei Amamoto as the High Priest of Mu (or
Emperor if the subtitled version of the film is correct). Looking
something like a cross between Moses and a member of Z.Z. Top, Amamoto
evilly cackles and gestures his way through the film. For sheer scenery
chewing he easily beats out Tetsuko Kobayashi who plays the Empress of
Mu. With her red hair really making her Oriental features look rather
bizarre, Kobayashi tries her best and sometimes succeeds. Her best
moment is when she faces Jinguji and, with an obviously well-rehearsed
sneer, declares that Atragon will never defeat the Mu Empire (Tazakiís
responding attitude rivals Shatnerís "I donít like to lose" stance from
Star Trek II, and is a signal to the audience that Serious **** is about
to go down).

The special effects in the film are courtesy of Toho effects wizard Eiji
Tsuburaya, but, unlike in The Mysterians or Mothra, Tsuburayaís work
doesnít shine at its best here. Thereís some good model work, but
nothing truly to match the set pieces and scenes that have made
Tsuburaya a name to conjure with among SF film fans. Especially
disappointing is Manda: the giant rubber snake worshiped by the Mu
Empire. Even filmed in what is supposedly a dark underwater environment
it immediately looks cheesy, so you know youíre in trouble. As a threat
Manda hardly gets the audience worked up . . . but apparently the beast
was memorable enough to be included later on (along with practically
everyone else) in Destroy All Monsters (where it was seen in broad
daylight which, frankly, didnít increase its threat quotient much).

The star of the movie is, of course, Atragon itself which, as the
American film trailer explained, was "an earth-mover . . . a flying
fortress . . . a submarine". Possessing all the standard SF submarine
tricks (including the obligatory ability to pass electrical shocks
through its hull), Atragon also manages to drill effortlessly through
solid rock and fly through the air like a missile. If the film can be
faulted for anything it was that too little on-screen time was given to
this remarkable device. As it is, it tantalizes the audience and makes
one wonder what a modern director of modern military adventure (e.g.
John McTiernan or Wolfgang Petersen) couldíve done with this material.

A true triumph of the film is in its music score. For Atragon Akira
Ifukube takes a rather impressive semi-repetitive leitmotif and runs
with it, producing a soundtrack that thunders along and manages to make
a lot of the effects and model work seem more imposing than it actually
is. During the climactic battle scene in the Mu Empire (with our heroes
using oversized fire extinguishers to freeze the enemy . . . no great
task seeing as how the Mu soldiers insist on loincloths as battle
dress), Ifukube gives the music full rein and lets it carry the audience
along, building excitement where the scene itself mightíve let the
production down.

When push comes to shove, though, Atragon is not great cinema. It is, to
be honest, the reason God invented television rooms in college dorms.
And Toho Studios did produce better (and also much much worse). Compared
to all the other monster-centered Toho films, though, Atragon occupies a
unique position in that, centering around a device, it becomes necessary
to actually provide some semblance of a genuine story. The film is
flawed, but its flaws are similar to those found on DeMiloís Venus. Itís
cheese . . . but very tasty.

ANIME NOTE: In the 1990's Toho Studios released Super Atragon, an OAV
also based on Oshikawaís novel and directed by Kazuyoshi Katayama. Far
more high-tech and detailed than its live-action predecessor, the
production is interesting to look at (and features some very effective
scenes showing our military getting its ass kicked by advanced weapons),
but the whole thing lacks something which the earlier film possessed.
Maybe a giant rubber snake."






Ads
  #2  
Old January 29th 04, 05:35 AM
Scott Ferrin
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Posts: n/a
Default

On Tue, 27 Jan 2004 06:03:37 -0600, Pat Flannery
wrote:



Anonymous via the Cypherpunks Tonga Remailer wrote:



OM


Oh God...if you _knew_ what you had just done...there isn't even going
to be a wet spot left...

As Godzilla turned away from the ruined and burnt corpse of Manda- the
rubbery sea serpent of the Mu Empire- he felt somehow empty... where
were the glory days of old, when his foes were of some caliber worthy of
his strength and anger?
A huge concussion shook the air! A giant fireball formed behind him!
From it a monstrous horror emerged! The three heads of King Ghidorah
spat forth their pestilential lightning across the burnt wreckage of Tokyo!
"Now"- the radioactive menace thought- "Has again come _my_ time!"

Steve Martin- Tokyo

P.S.- Anyone wanting to see the two coolest Japanese Sci-Fi films ever
done..."The Mysterians" and "Atragon" (the live-action one, not the
anime one with the "Ra") should have a peek at this hyperlink under the
"A" and "M" sections: http://www.monstersinmotion.com/dvd/indexa.html
....AND FOR GOD'S SAKE....READ THE SHIRISHI DOCUMENT! It will be the
only warning you will have if you wish to avoid the kidnapping of our
women by sex-starved, radiation-scarred, aliens from a group of small
stars between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter



H-O-L-Y ****. And I thought *I* had too much time on my hands. ;-)
  #3  
Old January 29th 04, 07:18 AM
OM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

On Thu, 29 Jan 2004 05:35:01 GMT, Scott Ferrin
wrote:

H-O-L-Y ****. And I thought *I* had too much time on my hands. ;-)


....Uh, Scott, that's not *time* that's on your hands :-P

OM

--

"No ******* ever won a war by dying for | http://www.io.com/~o_m
his country. He won it by making the other | Sergeant-At-Arms
poor dumb ******* die for his country." | Human O-Ring Society

- General George S. Patton, Jr
  #4  
Old January 29th 04, 10:46 AM
Pat Flannery
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default



Scott Ferrin wrote:

H-O-L-Y ****. And I thought *I* had too much time on my hands. ;-)


There are four Japanese sci-fi films that are _MUST SEE_: "Atragon",
"The Mysterians", "Message From Space", and "Godzilla Versus The Smog
Monster"...these are the very distillate of what Japanese live-action
sci-fi is all about; The cream that- like nitroglycerin- always floats
to the top of the mixture! The scenes described from the first two
movies stand with the glowing flying walnuts from "Message"- and its
final destruction of evil as the Vader clone falls onto his mother in
the heavily armed wheel chair...and he, she, and it, explode; and when
the Smog Monster craps on Godzilla's head, so Godzilla rips it open and
vaporizes its eggs in his hands...or they may be its testicles...if
someone craped on my head, I would certainly want their testicles to be
ripped forth and vaporized for the sake of simple politeness...
These four make "Un Chien Andalou" look tame and straight-forward.
They should be seen in a virtually deserted theater...like the last two
were by me; even the theater owner and employees amazed that anyone
would actually _spend money_ to see them... not understanding- that like
the Tea Ceremony- this was a _holy_ thing.
I wasn't their to enjoy myself; I was their to commit Seppuku on my
Occidental World View of cinema, leaving it's Oscar-nominated film
emulsions writhing on the floor like so many spilt intestines, as the
razor-edged cold steel of The Japanese Imagination struck at the back of
my neck... and like a Kamikaze pilot's soul speeding its way from a
flaming ship deck to Yasukuni Shrine, my vital essence would be
transported in the Mothra girl's tiny coach across a beam of The Rising
Sun...to Monster Island!

Pat

  #5  
Old January 29th 04, 01:15 PM
Scott Ferrin
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

On Thu, 29 Jan 2004 04:46:25 -0600, Pat Flannery
wrote:



Scott Ferrin wrote:

H-O-L-Y ****. And I thought *I* had too much time on my hands. ;-)


There are four Japanese sci-fi films that are _MUST SEE_: "Atragon",
"The Mysterians", "Message From Space", and "Godzilla Versus The Smog
Monster"...these are the very distillate of what Japanese live-action
sci-fi is all about; The cream that- like nitroglycerin- always floats
to the top of the mixture! The scenes described from the first two
movies stand with the glowing flying walnuts from "Message"- and its
final destruction of evil as the Vader clone falls onto his mother in
the heavily armed wheel chair...and he, she, and it, explode; and when
the Smog Monster craps on Godzilla's head, so Godzilla rips it open and
vaporizes its eggs in his hands...or they may be its testicles...if
someone craped on my head, I would certainly want their testicles to be
ripped forth and vaporized for the sake of simple politeness...
These four make "Un Chien Andalou" look tame and straight-forward.
They should be seen in a virtually deserted theater...like the last two
were by me; even the theater owner and employees amazed that anyone
would actually _spend money_ to see them... not understanding- that like
the Tea Ceremony- this was a _holy_ thing.
I wasn't their to enjoy myself; I was their to commit Seppuku on my
Occidental World View of cinema, leaving it's Oscar-nominated film
emulsions writhing on the floor like so many spilt intestines, as the
razor-edged cold steel of The Japanese Imagination struck at the back of
my neck... and like a Kamikaze pilot's soul speeding its way from a
flaming ship deck to Yasukuni Shrine, my vital essence would be
transported in the Mothra girl's tiny coach across a beam of The Rising
Sun...to Monster Island!

Pat



I was going to write a reply panning Godzilla vs. Megalon but I can't
even touch this LOL.
  #6  
Old January 29th 04, 05:09 PM
Scott Hedrick
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Posts: n/a
Default


"Scott Ferrin" wrote in message
...
I was going to write a reply panning Godzilla vs. Megalon but I can't
even touch this LOL.


Pat refuses to disclose the name of his pharmacist


  #7  
Old January 29th 04, 06:26 PM
Herb Schaltegger
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Scott Hedrick wrote:

Pat refuses to disclose the name of his pharmacist


I believe her refers to her as his "Muse" . . .

;-)

--
Herb Schaltegger, B.S., J.D.
Reformed Aerospace Engineer
Remove invalid nonsense for email.
  #8  
Old January 29th 04, 08:29 PM
Pat Flannery
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Posts: n/a
Default



Herb Schaltegger wrote:

Scott Hedrick wrote:



Pat refuses to disclose the name of his pharmacist



I believe her refers to her as his "Muse" . . .


Don't you remember? It Dr. Mokele Mbembe Jones-MAM (Master of African
Medicine)!
....from an earlier posting:

No, but Dr. Mokele-Mbembe Jones might be able to fly it in from the
Congo in his Giant Fruit Bat Avatar....provided of course that you have
sacrificed the Hyena in the correct way (facing SSE; with it's severed
vital member tied to its tongue with Lime juice saturated Zebra tail
hair), and the bucket of Mango juice is awaiting him....you do of course
have the statue of Wangy-Mybangy (the Congolese Enema God) ready and
well oiled for the administration of the Mushroom Spore/Meerkat Urine
Elixir?


It was Doc Jones who put me on to the trick of running the Meerkats through
the laundry wringer to assure maximum urine extraction. Not only do you get
a lot of Meerkat **** that way; but you get a lot of ****ed-off Meerkats.

Pat

  #9  
Old January 30th 04, 02:27 AM
OM
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Posts: n/a
Default

On Thu, 29 Jan 2004 12:26:49 -0600, Herb Schaltegger
lid wrote:

Scott Hedrick wrote:

Pat refuses to disclose the name of his pharmacist


I believe her refers to her as his "Muse" . . .


....And Pete Townshend referred to her as The Acid Queen, natch.

OM

--

"No ******* ever won a war by dying for | http://www.io.com/~o_m
his country. He won it by making the other | Sergeant-At-Arms
poor dumb ******* die for his country." | Human O-Ring Society

- General George S. Patton, Jr
  #10  
Old January 31st 04, 01:14 AM
Hop David
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Posts: n/a
Default



OM wrote:

...And Pete Townshend [...]


Who?

--
Hop David
http://clowder.net/hop/index.html

 




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