Feral Government Agents vs. Lisa Gardner

Hi, Lisa. Since these guys have started using me as a conduit to
get messages to you, they've screwed up a few times and sent
secret in-house correspondence to me. I decided you deserve
to be warned about this one, since you have the big tits.
See below for some ideas on what you can do about this.

============================================
From: Feral Mind Management Agency,
To: TW&T (Secret code designations - names obfuscated)
cc: Chief, Undercover Neural Tracking Taskforce (****RACK)
Subj.: Lisa Gardner

Lisa has apparently found out about the orbiting Remote Neural Miner.
She has been wearing a tinfoil thing on top of her head. We think it's
one of those Jiffy-Pop things, still inflated. We aren't certain if she ate
the special popcorn. Apparently the foil was in just the right shape to
cause the dreaded Remote Viewing Feedback Syndrome (called
"Paraoptical Diarrhea" because the victim always says "this is the
****s"), so Ed's down for a few days. The other remote viewer guy,
the one we call "Big Mac, Short A Few Fries," can't see across a room
with a map, so he's no help. The analysts are giving three to one odds
that she ate it. "We didn't code-name her Pounderosa for nothing," they
say. We'll know for sure in a couple of days when those little tracking
doohickeys should be breaking out of the timed release capsules.

This is to advise you that we have changed the mindsweeper's orbit.
Instead of remaining fixed straight over her head, the satellite will now
oscillate between classified degrees north and 40 degrees south
every 24 hours. We also moved it a few degrees to the east so we
can get some frontal lobe readouts. As long as she doesn't find out
and keep the protected top of her head pointed toward it all the time,
we'll be able to get partial data. Some say partial data is the best we
could get from her anyway. The results will improve after the field guys
are able to procure a few more nanomodems and plant them in her
skull. The procurement will take some time, since she doesn't operate
on the same carrier frequency as a regular human, but the new
self-installing type will simply be sprinkled on her head while she's
taking a shower. They'll drill themselves in, find a power source, and
go to work . We couldn't use the old off the shelf micromodems
because they draw too much power and were causing her to say
crazy ****.

The new orbit will be achieved by 6am Tuesday (PDT), at which epoch
it will be at its farthest southeastern direction from her. Twelve hours
later, it will have crossed over to her left side (assuming she's facing
east all day) and moved to its northernmost point. The mindsweeper
will be in passive mode during this first test run. During the next twelve
hours, as the satellite moves back to the south, we'll do some preliminary
mind****ing. If this test goes as planned, full reports will be available
as in the past, starting Wednesday morning.

Another benefit of the new orbit is that we'll be able to use the
optical system to check out the report that she might have found
the mole. The last time I listened to its signal, all I could hear
were some slurping sounds and a recording of some asshole
singing "Strangers In The Night."

=============================================

Lisa, I advise you to start every day with your head tilted to the
southeast, and then gradually lean it toward the north as the day
goes on, and then reverse that in the evening. Keep your head
down if you're facing east. Just be careful to keep the tinfoil
chapeaux pointed to where you now know (after doing some
simple corretcions for your latitude) the neural mining system
will be. Also, figure out if and when it will be under the north
or southhorizon, depending on which hemisphere you're in, and
do all your special mischief at those times. Alternatively, you might
just turn that popcorn thing over and stick your head in the bag.
It looks ****ing ridiculous as it is, on top of your sixties "big hair"
style. Whatever you do, be sure to ground that little wire handle,
so it doesn't act as an antenna. Certain signals transmitted by
other feral government agencies could cause you to start smoking
if it picks them up.

This is no joke. You can't imagine how far these guys will go.