North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

BISMARCK, ND — The stage was set for another international showdown
Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that
the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a
large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

"Satellite photos confirm that the North Dakotans have been quietly
harboring an extensive nuclear-weapons program," said Blix,
presenting his findings in a speech to the U.N. Security
Council. "Alarmingly, this barely developed hinterland possesses the
world's most technologically advanced weapons of mass destruction,
capable of reaching targets all over the world."

After initially offering no comment on the report, North Dakota
officials admitted to having a stockpile of 1,710 warheads at two
military sites and confirmed that the state has been home to an
active nuclear-weapons-development program for decades.

Blix called the revelation a "terrifying prospect for the world at
large."

Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan
urged North Dakota to abandon its program.

"This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like
North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War
environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation
among developing states."

European leaders also spoke out in opposition to North Dakota's
weapons program.

"North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to
responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President
Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even
have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but
still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not
believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'"

According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear
arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over,
none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th
Parallel, South Dakota."

"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly,
hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac
said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the
Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a
bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."

After a joint meeting of the French and German cabinets, German
Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said the two nations "agree that this
situation must be rectified" and implored North Dakota to cease its
uranium-enrichment program immediately.

"We have opened the door to talks," Schroeder said. "But,
unfortunately, North Dakota seems unwilling to engage with the world
community at this time."

According to Blix, North Dakota is home to 500 Minuteman III ICBMs
and 50 Peacekeeper missiles, giving it one of the heaviest
concentrations of the weapons on earth. The biggest discovery made by
U.N. inspectors, Blix said, was a missile field at Minot Air Force
Base, where they found an "almost unbelievable" stockpile of warheads.

The rogue state was also found to possess enormous stockpiles of
fissile material.

"North Dakota could have as much as 75 metric tons of weapons-grade
uranium and 8 metric tons of weapons-grade plutonium," Blix
said. "Just 55 pounds of uranium are needed to construct a simple
nuclear weapon. Do the math—the prospects are terrifying."

The man at the center of the controversy is North Dakota's leader,
Gov. John Hoeven. Having risen to power in 2000 after amassing
tremendous wealth in the private sector, Hoeven lives a life of
comfort and excess inside the heavily patrolled North Dakota
governor's mansion, a lavish dwelling paid for entirely by the state,
while many of his people engage in subsistence farming.

Some suspect that Hoeven is using the nuclear program as a bargaining
chip to gain badly needed economic benefits for his state. Hardly at
the forefront of technology in other aspects, North Dakota has a
largely rural population and a child-poverty rate of 14 percent—a
fact critics have been quick to point out.

"North Dakotans live a horrible life of isolation and deprivation,
struggling to grow crops in a hostile, sub-zero climate while their
indifferent government routinely prioritizes bolstering the state's
military might," BBC World correspondent Caroline Eagan said. "There
are people starving there, and yet high-tech weapons laboratories and
military bases abound. It's deplorable."

Added Eagan: "And, no big surprise, the U.S. played a major role in
arming this place. I hear most of the missiles are American-made."

Many U.S. citizens have expressed fear, some realizing for the first
time that North Dakota has thousands of weapons capable of reaching
any major American city within minutes.

"It is absolutely frightening that there are all these weapons of
mass destruction practically in my backyard," said Karen Stiles of
Moorhead, MN. "Do we really know enough about these people who have
their finger on the button that could kill millions?"

Added Stiles: "How did our elected officials let this happen?"

-The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/onion3904/north_dakota.html