found in aus.jokes

Written by Steve Beck of Michigan State University.

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Government Conspiracy Suspected


MARTIAN AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH

[As posted to the Austin Astronomical Society email list...]

Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false
rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares
Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy
The Lesser stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude
weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke late Saturday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares
Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story
about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the
nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, and
"deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases." Minutes later, General
Rgrmrmy The Lesser
contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable
vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by
incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to
accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate
on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have
condemned
Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up,"
pointing out that Mars has no swamps. They point to the release of secret
government memos detailing attempts to discredit reports of the landings by
alien space craft. The memos discuss strategies to avoid troubles similar to
those caused by the War of the Worlds radio program of years ago. The
program, which
featured a sensational story of gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed invaders
from Earth, sparked planet wide panic.

Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the area of the alleged
landings, are even more skeptical. "I seen it with my own 5 eyes" claimed
Rhodo last week. "I've lived here over 300 years, most of my adult
life-form. Them things used to be few and far between but lately they come
in every few years or so. The government wants to bury the truth but I can
tell you what's real. The Earthlings are going to invade and the government
is spending our hard earned tax dollars on press releases and denials
instead of preparing for the battle to come." A spokesthing denied any
government involvement in the disappearance of Rhodo,
who has not been seen since shortly after the interview, claiming "Any
sentient being knows that a planet with the concentrations of water and
oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and inhospitable environment for the
formation of life, much less intelligent life. The fear and consternation
caused by the unfounded and wild speculations of citizens like Rhodo are a
traitorous disservice to the citizens
of Mars."